2010 is coming to a close, boys and girls. It seems like just yesterday I was enjoying the coming of Spring and watching the snow melt away, only to find that it's December again, and we're probably facing a brutal Winter here in Central Ohio....at least by Ohio standards. There have been many things that have happened here in 2010 that have made me sit up and either laugh or just scratch my head. Without actually trying to recall every little piece of information, this is my unofficial "Year in Review" to sum everything up.
- Tiger Woods loves sex....with anybody.
So, while this technically happened over the past several years, this was really a 2010 story. We've all heard about it by now: Tiger's wife came at him with a fucking nine iron and bashed out the backglass of his car. First off, if that headline didn't make you laugh, I'm not sure what would. I want you to picture this in your head: Elin Nordgren, a supermodel, who was married to Tiger God-Damned Woods, ran out of their ridiculous mansion in Windermere, Florida, and proceeded to beat the shit out of his car with a fucking golf club! There is no amount of money I wouldn't have given at that time (alright, maybe I'd cap it at twenty bucks) to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation in their house.
The real funny part, though, was the list of women that came out after the story broke. A couple of porn stars stepped forward and flashed some text messages, and while infidelity isn't exactly something that is positive in the sports world, I'm sure a few guys watching at home with no morals sat up and went "Niiiiiice."
Then it got weird. Random women were coming forward, most of which who weren't even close to being famous, saying that they enjoyed a fling or seven with the almighty one iron that Tiger sported in his trousers. The story officially hit "WTF" status when a waitress at Perkins came forward and said that they had sex in the parking lot of the restaurant she worked at.
A Perkins Waitress.
Think about that for a second...have you ever been to a Perkins? They smell like Polygrip and cat piss. Tiger just so happened to swing in for a dinner and some sex, though, deciding to take his waitress out back and give her a really good tip, and it wasn't about her pitching ability to the green, that's for sure.
Eventually, Elin wised up and took him to the cleaners to the tune of 815 million dollars. Tiger is trying to rebound, but has sucked out loud this year in tournaments, a year that he probably should have won more than one major to try and catch Jack.
- BP fucks up the Gulf of Mexico, hilarity ensues.
This was probably my favorite ongoing saga that really didn't have any major changes to the story outside of the first day. BP had this big ass rig in the Gulf called the Deepwater Horizon, which sounded like the title of a terrible B Movie on Netflix that you could watch, expecting some terrible horror scenes and scantily clad chicks who are just weeks away from breaking into porn. Anyways, this rig exploded, causing several employee deaths (which we honestly never fucking heard about because OMG THE WATER IS POLLUTED) and also causing the well that the rig was siphoning to break loose, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
BP's response to this was fucking hilarious, given the situation. It took a couple of days, but the CEO came out, who looked like a cross between Mr. Rogers and the sketched character from the cover of MAD Magazine, and basically said "We're sorry. We fucked up." and left it at that.
Most of the world went "Uhhhhh....that's it?" just like all of the media did. It was hilarious that the CEO of this company, who knew full well that they were causing major damage, basically just wrote an apology and hoped it would all go away.
After that, we started seeing the "BP Cares" commercials all over the place, involving some shitheads who got sucked into the terrible position of trying to clean this shit up from not just a political standpoint, but from a customer service standpoint.
The best part of this, though, was watching the videos of them basically trying to play a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole while trying to plug this fucker up. Believe me when I tell you that if you can't win any of those skill crane games at the arcade, then you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of plugging that fucking well up a mile deep in the water.
- World Cup 2010 South Africa introduces the world to the Vuvuzela
Okay, so the World Cup was actually pretty fucking sweet. We found out that the United States can stomach soccer/football for one month because of the "AMERICA!!! FUCK YEAH!!!" angle of the situation. Patriotism rules all, simply because we know full well that the rest of the world hates hearing that "U-S-A!" chant over and over again. In the end, the Americans lost because, well, soccer is a sport that we simply just aren't great at/don't really give a shit about, and the Spaniards ended up winning it all. Another tournament successful and FIFA made a ton of money off of thBZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Oh...yeah...those fucking vuvuzelas were out in full force, too.
South Africa apparently had this instrument called the Vuvuzela. No one really knew what the hell it was or what kind of a sound it played...until the opening game of the tournament came on and all you heard on the TV was "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" while watching the match.
Naturally, when the tournament was over, people had purchased these foot and a half long instruments of ultimate annoyance for their own personal reasons. The good thing, though, is that the fad wore off after a little time and mainly due to every single sports team in the country saying "Bring one of those, and you're never coming back inside."
In other news...
- FIFA loves money.
Russia and Qatar? Thanks for playing, FIFA. You've proven to us that you have completely lost your god damned minds.
And while we're on the subject of completely corrupt organizations...
- The NCAA is just making shit up as it goes along.
They aren't even trying to hide it anymore. The entire Cameron Newton story was one that didn't truly shock anyone, considering that we had seen this type of corruption in the past, but the way the NCAA handled it is laughable at best. Here they were, presented with yet another chance to show that "OMG WE'RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT ACADEMICS AND AMATEURISM!!!" and they pretty much pissed it away.
Now, granted, the investigation is supposedly continuing, considering that the FBI is now involved and talks of Auburn University even losing it's accreditation as a school of higher education have swirled, the goofy as hell NCAA is like the retarded stepchild that got left in charge of running the house. Basically, they didn't feel like taking Auburn's primary weapon away from them and, thus, damning them to a mid-tier bowl. In the process, if they had done that, we would be talking about Oregon vs. TCU for the Mythical National Championship instead of Oregon and Auburn.
Now, given that Ohio State has just gone through a hilariously awful scandal and A.J. Green was banhammered at the beginning of the year, I've used this phrase to sum it up:
Sell your jersey for money? Four game suspension. Trade items for tattoos? Five game suspension. Have your father pimp you out to schools for 200,000 dollars? Win a Heisman.
Basically, the NCAA is saying "If you cheat huge, we don't care. The remedial stuff? Fuck you."
- Jimmy Wales needs your money...seriously...he needs it...like NOW.
While we've all used Wikipedia for pretty much anything, we've all realized one thing: It's free to use. Jimmy Wales, the co-founder of the company, needs your money to apparently keep it alive. And he needs it fucking NOW.
Fifteen million dollars is all he's asking from the country/world/universe. Now, what's real interesting is the fact that he doesn't truly have to list the reasons why he needs this money. For all you know, he's using it to build another god damned mansion and it won't even go to the website.
Fuck him and fuck you if you donate. People change it without really needing to check their facts. If the website dies, you still have plenty of other places to look up your useless information from.
- Oh noes, Steve Jobs. You might actually have some competition!
I never get involved in the whole debate about who's phone/MP3 player/random device is better, but for the longest time, we've heard/seen/been forced to watch that Apple's iPod/iPhone/iPad/iDouche is better than anything that has ever been released. Steve probably died a little inside when he found out that people have been actually buying more Android phones this year than iPhones, probably because of the fact that people finally realized that AT&T has shitty coverage outside of California. It'll come as no shock when Verizon announces in January that they'll start carrying iPhones.
- Justin Bieber was almost sent to North Korea.
I refuse to talk about this wretched little shit other than the fact that he posted up a poll as to what country he needs to visit next and the overwhelming prank was played that said he should have his ass shipped to North Korea.
- The Kardashians are whores
That's it. Seriously. Moving along...
- Recession, recession, recession
Still think we're out of the recession? I have some water here that can cure cancer, too. On top of that, I could probably change Coke into Pepsi if I just took a piss in a bottle of it.
The holidays showed us that people are still penny-pinching, although smaller shops have apparently been thriving. On top of that, people love to point fingers at the causes of this, but never step up to the plate with solutions, as shown by the recent elections. Every single campaign this year, no matter what state you were in, basically went like this: "See this shit that we're up to our neck in!?! It was all that guy's fault!!!"
I really, really, really hate politics.
That about sums up 2010, if you ask me. Sure there were other things that went on, but this was the list that stuck out to me.
This has been your rant of the day.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Michigan Sucks.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the greatest week of the year when it comes to being a Buckeye. It's that time of the year where jokes about cheerleaders grazing on grass, students changing lightbulbs, and just general hatred flows like water out of a faucet.
That's right, it's Michigan week.
I thought about going over all of the reasons why we're going to win the game this Saturday at Ohio Stadium, but honestly, I think most everyone has their own lists and reasons and, with that being said, I'm going to break away from that and simply write about anything that comes to mind regarding this.
My first true taste of Ohio State-Michigan came in the form of making the trip to Ann Arbor in 1999. The Buckeyes were 6-5 and needed a win to get into bowl contention. Somewhere over the course of this season, I discovered that I had a tremendous hatred for Steve Bellisari, the quarterback of the Buckeyes who should have been playing something like Safety or Tight End. The season started out alright enough, but started a downward swing when people began to realize that Bellisari, or "Jackass" as I have referred to him ever since this game, did in fact suck a massive amount of shit.
First off, Ann Arbor is a shitty town. I refuse to call it a city, because it isn't. It's a piece of shit town in the middle of fucking nowhere Michigan. If you want to see it, just look it up. It isn't worth driving the three to four hours just to see it. I don't care if I even had tickets to the game. I went once, and it was one of the worst times ever. You end up having to park on the golf course that's across from the stadium and, if you get there closer to game time, you have to walk a lot farther than you should. Also, the students there seem to have this penchant for throwing batteries at you. I was pegged a couple of times with AA batteries (Insert Appy State joke here) while my friends and I attempted to get to the stadium.
The stadium itself is a shithole in itself, even if these renovations changed it. It's not as loud as people make it out to be and extremely terrible when it comes to the layout. If your seat is down at the field level, you've got yourself a long walk....and a long climb back up due to the fact it's built into the ground.
Anyways, the game itself in 1999 was pretty much what I expected: Come out with our hair on fire, actually be competitive, and then promptly shit the bed at the end of the game. It was painful to watch, but at that point, I was hooked on the tradition itself.
The next year was terrible, but led to the hiring of Jim Tressel, who has absolutely owned Michigan since stepping on campus in 2001. Going up to Ann Arbor in 2001 with Jonathan Wells and a bag of potato chips surprised everyone when the Buckeyes pulled a 26-21 upset, leading the way for cautious optimism into the 2002 campaign....which we all know ended with a National Championship. Heart attack after heart attack took several years off of my life, but I'll never forget my reaction when Will Allen picked off John Navarre to send the Buckeyes to the championship. Standing there with Rick and Luke, exploding in joy and rushing the field....seriously one of the greatest moments in sports for me.
It would be trumped against Miami in January.
Watching Dorsey drop back and get chased by Cie Grant, a desperation pass was flung and knocked down by Donnie Nickey and Matt Wilhelm. With many people crammed into my basement apartment, we exploded once again and ran out of the apartment, temperatures roughly at 20 degrees, and simply finding the first person we could and hugging them. It didn't matter if we knew each other or not. At that moment, we all had one thing in common: We were all Buckeyes.
It has officially been 2,662 days since Michigan last beat Ohio State. Yes, we keep track of this. JT has owned the decade when it comes to this game, and we all hope the same thing continues for the next decade. While Michigan has a weapon on offense that only a couple of teams have managed to slow down this year, their defense is flat out awful. They are arguably the worst unit in the country. With an offense that can easily bowl over them, I would expect a high amount of rushing yards and at least a two touchdown victory.
Honestly, I could write about this all night. The fact of the matter is, though, is that I want to save some more of this for later in the week as The Game draws closer.
Here's to Ohio State whipping Michigan's ass once again.
Here's to Jim Tressel owning Dick Rod.
Here's to hoping that Michigan is annexed to Canada.
And here's to being a Buckeye.
That's right, it's Michigan week.
I thought about going over all of the reasons why we're going to win the game this Saturday at Ohio Stadium, but honestly, I think most everyone has their own lists and reasons and, with that being said, I'm going to break away from that and simply write about anything that comes to mind regarding this.
My first true taste of Ohio State-Michigan came in the form of making the trip to Ann Arbor in 1999. The Buckeyes were 6-5 and needed a win to get into bowl contention. Somewhere over the course of this season, I discovered that I had a tremendous hatred for Steve Bellisari, the quarterback of the Buckeyes who should have been playing something like Safety or Tight End. The season started out alright enough, but started a downward swing when people began to realize that Bellisari, or "Jackass" as I have referred to him ever since this game, did in fact suck a massive amount of shit.
First off, Ann Arbor is a shitty town. I refuse to call it a city, because it isn't. It's a piece of shit town in the middle of fucking nowhere Michigan. If you want to see it, just look it up. It isn't worth driving the three to four hours just to see it. I don't care if I even had tickets to the game. I went once, and it was one of the worst times ever. You end up having to park on the golf course that's across from the stadium and, if you get there closer to game time, you have to walk a lot farther than you should. Also, the students there seem to have this penchant for throwing batteries at you. I was pegged a couple of times with AA batteries (Insert Appy State joke here) while my friends and I attempted to get to the stadium.
The stadium itself is a shithole in itself, even if these renovations changed it. It's not as loud as people make it out to be and extremely terrible when it comes to the layout. If your seat is down at the field level, you've got yourself a long walk....and a long climb back up due to the fact it's built into the ground.
Anyways, the game itself in 1999 was pretty much what I expected: Come out with our hair on fire, actually be competitive, and then promptly shit the bed at the end of the game. It was painful to watch, but at that point, I was hooked on the tradition itself.
The next year was terrible, but led to the hiring of Jim Tressel, who has absolutely owned Michigan since stepping on campus in 2001. Going up to Ann Arbor in 2001 with Jonathan Wells and a bag of potato chips surprised everyone when the Buckeyes pulled a 26-21 upset, leading the way for cautious optimism into the 2002 campaign....which we all know ended with a National Championship. Heart attack after heart attack took several years off of my life, but I'll never forget my reaction when Will Allen picked off John Navarre to send the Buckeyes to the championship. Standing there with Rick and Luke, exploding in joy and rushing the field....seriously one of the greatest moments in sports for me.
It would be trumped against Miami in January.
Watching Dorsey drop back and get chased by Cie Grant, a desperation pass was flung and knocked down by Donnie Nickey and Matt Wilhelm. With many people crammed into my basement apartment, we exploded once again and ran out of the apartment, temperatures roughly at 20 degrees, and simply finding the first person we could and hugging them. It didn't matter if we knew each other or not. At that moment, we all had one thing in common: We were all Buckeyes.
It has officially been 2,662 days since Michigan last beat Ohio State. Yes, we keep track of this. JT has owned the decade when it comes to this game, and we all hope the same thing continues for the next decade. While Michigan has a weapon on offense that only a couple of teams have managed to slow down this year, their defense is flat out awful. They are arguably the worst unit in the country. With an offense that can easily bowl over them, I would expect a high amount of rushing yards and at least a two touchdown victory.
Honestly, I could write about this all night. The fact of the matter is, though, is that I want to save some more of this for later in the week as The Game draws closer.
Here's to Ohio State whipping Michigan's ass once again.
Here's to Jim Tressel owning Dick Rod.
Here's to hoping that Michigan is annexed to Canada.
And here's to being a Buckeye.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Black Friday: How to deal with it without getting killed.
Several years ago, I decided to check out what the real pain in the ass was about Black Friday. My family had explained it to me when I was still in high school and, considering that I lived in a town of 3,000 people, I never experienced it first hand until I got to college. Even then, I wouldn't actually experience it until I was about 22 years old, seeing as how Black Friday was nothing more than a day off since it was Thanksgiving Weekend and classes were canceled.
Having read about the craziness surrounding the holiday, I figured it would be best to check it out at a mall. Not even considering what time some of these crazy god damned people get up to start this shit, I headed out with a friend who needed to do some shopping at about nine in the morning. At the time, she had said that "Most of the chaos was probably gone" and that we would be alright.
Yeah, her idea of "chaos" and my idea of "chaos" must have been in different languages, let alone definitions.
Our first stop was at the Tuttle Crossing Mall, where I proceeded to spend a good thirty minutes just circling to find us a parking spot. To my surprise, she told me that it was normal for this and that "it was nothing" compared to what five in the morning looked like.
Well now...why did I volunteer for this? Oh...right...hot friend who needed help. No-brainer.
Walking through the mall is like being taught self-defense by a drunken man holding a six foot long staff while you're blindfolded. Simply put, you have to be on your toes, or else you are going to get run over. It blew me away at just how crazy the place was. Normal, everyday people, turned into mindless zombies who will let nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, get in their way of buying that extra-special-gift for just a little bit less. Let me tell you, there is nothing more insane than watching a woman in her sixties practically run over children while heading for a big sign that says "BLACK FRIDAY SALE!"
The day progressed a little better as we ended up hitting some places on her list that were less traveled by the normal Black Friday shopper and, eventually, we were finished. At that point, just for shits and giggles, we were right by the old Circuit City over on Sawmill. We both decided to just jump in and check it out.
This would be one of the first times in my life where I would literally say, out loud, "Ho-ly shit."
It was insanity, and this was almost eight hours removed from the START of the day. What the fuck was the craziness about? It turned out that there was plenty going on. We saw a straight-up fist fight start over fucking DISCMANS. Yeah, you remember those. Those were the things you had to have in order to play music before Steve fucking Jobs began his true world domination with iPods. Sure, they had been out for a couple of years, but hadn't truly caught steam just yet.
On top of the fistfight, we watched people practically yelling at salespeople who were telling them that they were out of stock of a lot of items right as the store opened. Taking a glance at an advertisement nearby, I read some things that I would certainly learn the meaning of later on.
"Limited quantities." "No rainchecks." "Doorbusters."
These are three terms that salespeople have to abide by when it comes to a day like Black Friday. I have personally learned this as I prepare to work on my fifth Black Friday in the world of retail. While I will not be up at the crack of dawn and have drawn the 12:30pm to Close shift, it will still be chaos.
Now, that being said, this is a friendly, but blunt, reminder on how to handle yourself during a Black Friday.
Rule #1: Watch out for yourself and travel alone.
I cannot stress this enough. If you want to truly get your shit done, you're doing it alone. Bring a list, bring food, bring a drink, and leave anyone that you fucking care about at your house or someone else's house. They are only going to get in your way, and you're going to have enough of a problem dealing with other people who are looking for the exact same thing you are. Also, for the love of all that is holy, leave your god damned kids at home. You are asking for a trip to the ER if you bring them, especially if they are young.
Rule #2: Do not listen to anyone else, unless they are sales associates.
You ever notice how people like to tell you about "special" sales that go on before or after Black Friday? Yeah, it's a fucking sham. They are simply trying to deter you. You are competition. Don't listen to them, unless someone who works at your favorite retailer says otherwise.
Rule #3: Don't argue with salespeople.
I'll actually make an entire list that is separate from this, but this needs to be brought up more than once.
Rule #4: Gas your car up the day before.
If you're making multiple stops, take care of the necessities first. Gas your car up on Wednesday.
Rule #5: Camping out? Dress warm.
Seriously, unless you live in a state that is warm year-round, prepare for the worst. Ohio is slated to be blasted by a storm on Thursday and, possibly, Friday. It will make things far worse for anyone who decides to camp out in front of a store.
Rule #6: No violence.
You may feel like someone is being a dick, bitch, asshole, cunt, whatever derogatory word you can come up with, to you. Don't get baited into a fight, even just an argument, with someone. Chances are going to be very, very good that there will not only be managers out looking for just this type of behavior....but police as well. Feel like having to call your significant other to bail you out of jail because you punched someone in the face for a laptop? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear that either.
Everything else is pretty much common sense. Now, as for Rule #3, let me give you an outline on this one. If you have ever read the famous CraigsList post about "The Ten Commandments of Retail", then you will understand what it is like, especially if you have ever worked in retail. In no particular order, here is the list, along with my own little commentary.
1. Thou shalt not fancy thyself a God, to have no other Gods held above thee.
While retail salesmen have a job to do, let's make one thing clear: Help everyone out by not putting yourself above everyone else.
2. Thou shalt not make Graven Images in an attempt to fake us out.
Ever try to fake a coupon or claim someone said something when they didn't? Yeah, that shit doesn't fly during the quiet times of the year, let alone Black Friday. Don't try it, and we won't have a problem. By the way, when it comes to the coupons that are legit as well as advertisements and signs, please read them. It saves everyone a great deal of trouble.
3. Thou shall not utter blasphemy in the presence of the Retail Gods, for this is naughty in Their sight.
Put it this way: Dropping an F-Bomb at a retail salesperson is not only rude, but it's going to flat out piss them off. While the job of a retailer is to make money, it is not their job to put up with your shit. Also, that whole "Customer is always right" thing is a load of bullshit. Remember Ben Affleck in Mallrats? Yeah, he's probably closer to the truth, especially on Black Friday.
4. Remember thy Hours of Operation, and keep them holy.
Most retailers are open on this day from 5:00 AM until 10:00 PM. If you are that asshole that decides to linger after closing time, the Retail Gods are going to smite your ass, hopefully with something that's going to linger on you, like Gonorrhea.
5. Honor thy Return Policy, that its days may be long upon the earth, and that we don't get exasperated and take it away from you.
This one is simple. If you aren't sure of the policy, fucking as someone. Don't come back four months from now and say that the person didn't want the gift. It isn't going to work, we're going to tell you no, you're going to act like an asshole, and everyone has to deal with your shit.
6. Thou shalt not Kill thy Retail Establishment's Profit Margin by attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled.
This is one of my favorite ones of the original poster's rant, because if you have ever worked in a retailer, this comes up ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME. Let's actually break this down by possible scenarios.
6A) The old "switcheroo"
This one always makes me laugh. People will find a price tag and attempt to slap it on an item. Either that, or they will find something that is an "Open Item" and write a new price on there. Do people actually think this shit works? Newsflash: It doesn't, and it really pisses workers off. Don't do this.
6B) Negotiating when it's futile
If you've worked retail, you know just how irritating it is to hear the phrase "Well what's MY price?" At that point, that worker has probably already pictured in his head what it would look like to be strangling you right there in the store. This one actually goes back to the very first one on the list. Haggling pisses people off and, generally, does not work unless you're dealing with a retarded used car salesman.
7. Thou shalt not threaten Retail Adultery in the service of violating the Sixth Commandment.
This might actually be the only one on the list I don't agree with, because it talks about price matching. It has become a pretty solid staple of the business world, so I'll add in the addendum: Don't try to price match on Black Friday. It is a ROYAL pain in the ass to try and do it on this day.
8. Thou shalt not Steal.
Remember how I mentioned that there are police at Black Friday sales? Common sense here.
9. Thou shalt not bear False Witness against thy Employee.
"Yeah, the manager here told me that I was getting a discount on top of the price that's already on sale."
Do you think that the people who sell you your items are retarded? Seriously. Do not try and lie your way to getting a better price or a feeble attempt to get free shit. It isn't going to work, and it seriously will cause problems.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy Employee's Free Time, nor his/her Discount, nor his/her Secondary Sexual Characteristics, nor anything else that belongs to thy Employee.
This is the one that needs to be hammered home. When you go to a retailer, you generally have a good idea of who is working and who isn't working. The ones that are working are in uniform and probably helping customers. The ones that you see that are either in a coat, outside smoking a cigarette, or maybe just getting some air, are trying to clear their god damned heads for a few minutes or, even better for them, are on their way out of the store after their shift or, hell, maybe even looking at doing a little shopping themselves. If you see one in a coat, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER THEM!
I cannot take full credit for this because all of the actual "commandments" are taken from a post from Craigslist. But, you get the idea. This is the week that everyone will try and knock out their shopping while retailers attempt to catch up on revenue shortcomings for the year. Understand your role, protect yourself, and don't cause problems at a store. Everyone will get along a lot better and, in the long run, you will be a better person because of it.
This has been your rant of the night.
Having read about the craziness surrounding the holiday, I figured it would be best to check it out at a mall. Not even considering what time some of these crazy god damned people get up to start this shit, I headed out with a friend who needed to do some shopping at about nine in the morning. At the time, she had said that "Most of the chaos was probably gone" and that we would be alright.
Yeah, her idea of "chaos" and my idea of "chaos" must have been in different languages, let alone definitions.
Our first stop was at the Tuttle Crossing Mall, where I proceeded to spend a good thirty minutes just circling to find us a parking spot. To my surprise, she told me that it was normal for this and that "it was nothing" compared to what five in the morning looked like.
Well now...why did I volunteer for this? Oh...right...hot friend who needed help. No-brainer.
Walking through the mall is like being taught self-defense by a drunken man holding a six foot long staff while you're blindfolded. Simply put, you have to be on your toes, or else you are going to get run over. It blew me away at just how crazy the place was. Normal, everyday people, turned into mindless zombies who will let nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, get in their way of buying that extra-special-gift for just a little bit less. Let me tell you, there is nothing more insane than watching a woman in her sixties practically run over children while heading for a big sign that says "BLACK FRIDAY SALE!"
The day progressed a little better as we ended up hitting some places on her list that were less traveled by the normal Black Friday shopper and, eventually, we were finished. At that point, just for shits and giggles, we were right by the old Circuit City over on Sawmill. We both decided to just jump in and check it out.
This would be one of the first times in my life where I would literally say, out loud, "Ho-ly shit."
It was insanity, and this was almost eight hours removed from the START of the day. What the fuck was the craziness about? It turned out that there was plenty going on. We saw a straight-up fist fight start over fucking DISCMANS. Yeah, you remember those. Those were the things you had to have in order to play music before Steve fucking Jobs began his true world domination with iPods. Sure, they had been out for a couple of years, but hadn't truly caught steam just yet.
On top of the fistfight, we watched people practically yelling at salespeople who were telling them that they were out of stock of a lot of items right as the store opened. Taking a glance at an advertisement nearby, I read some things that I would certainly learn the meaning of later on.
"Limited quantities." "No rainchecks." "Doorbusters."
These are three terms that salespeople have to abide by when it comes to a day like Black Friday. I have personally learned this as I prepare to work on my fifth Black Friday in the world of retail. While I will not be up at the crack of dawn and have drawn the 12:30pm to Close shift, it will still be chaos.
Now, that being said, this is a friendly, but blunt, reminder on how to handle yourself during a Black Friday.
Rule #1: Watch out for yourself and travel alone.
I cannot stress this enough. If you want to truly get your shit done, you're doing it alone. Bring a list, bring food, bring a drink, and leave anyone that you fucking care about at your house or someone else's house. They are only going to get in your way, and you're going to have enough of a problem dealing with other people who are looking for the exact same thing you are. Also, for the love of all that is holy, leave your god damned kids at home. You are asking for a trip to the ER if you bring them, especially if they are young.
Rule #2: Do not listen to anyone else, unless they are sales associates.
You ever notice how people like to tell you about "special" sales that go on before or after Black Friday? Yeah, it's a fucking sham. They are simply trying to deter you. You are competition. Don't listen to them, unless someone who works at your favorite retailer says otherwise.
Rule #3: Don't argue with salespeople.
I'll actually make an entire list that is separate from this, but this needs to be brought up more than once.
Rule #4: Gas your car up the day before.
If you're making multiple stops, take care of the necessities first. Gas your car up on Wednesday.
Rule #5: Camping out? Dress warm.
Seriously, unless you live in a state that is warm year-round, prepare for the worst. Ohio is slated to be blasted by a storm on Thursday and, possibly, Friday. It will make things far worse for anyone who decides to camp out in front of a store.
Rule #6: No violence.
You may feel like someone is being a dick, bitch, asshole, cunt, whatever derogatory word you can come up with, to you. Don't get baited into a fight, even just an argument, with someone. Chances are going to be very, very good that there will not only be managers out looking for just this type of behavior....but police as well. Feel like having to call your significant other to bail you out of jail because you punched someone in the face for a laptop? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear that either.
Everything else is pretty much common sense. Now, as for Rule #3, let me give you an outline on this one. If you have ever read the famous CraigsList post about "The Ten Commandments of Retail", then you will understand what it is like, especially if you have ever worked in retail. In no particular order, here is the list, along with my own little commentary.
1. Thou shalt not fancy thyself a God, to have no other Gods held above thee.
While retail salesmen have a job to do, let's make one thing clear: Help everyone out by not putting yourself above everyone else.
2. Thou shalt not make Graven Images in an attempt to fake us out.
Ever try to fake a coupon or claim someone said something when they didn't? Yeah, that shit doesn't fly during the quiet times of the year, let alone Black Friday. Don't try it, and we won't have a problem. By the way, when it comes to the coupons that are legit as well as advertisements and signs, please read them. It saves everyone a great deal of trouble.
3. Thou shall not utter blasphemy in the presence of the Retail Gods, for this is naughty in Their sight.
Put it this way: Dropping an F-Bomb at a retail salesperson is not only rude, but it's going to flat out piss them off. While the job of a retailer is to make money, it is not their job to put up with your shit. Also, that whole "Customer is always right" thing is a load of bullshit. Remember Ben Affleck in Mallrats? Yeah, he's probably closer to the truth, especially on Black Friday.
4. Remember thy Hours of Operation, and keep them holy.
Most retailers are open on this day from 5:00 AM until 10:00 PM. If you are that asshole that decides to linger after closing time, the Retail Gods are going to smite your ass, hopefully with something that's going to linger on you, like Gonorrhea.
5. Honor thy Return Policy, that its days may be long upon the earth, and that we don't get exasperated and take it away from you.
This one is simple. If you aren't sure of the policy, fucking as someone. Don't come back four months from now and say that the person didn't want the gift. It isn't going to work, we're going to tell you no, you're going to act like an asshole, and everyone has to deal with your shit.
6. Thou shalt not Kill thy Retail Establishment's Profit Margin by attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled.
This is one of my favorite ones of the original poster's rant, because if you have ever worked in a retailer, this comes up ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME. Let's actually break this down by possible scenarios.
6A) The old "switcheroo"
This one always makes me laugh. People will find a price tag and attempt to slap it on an item. Either that, or they will find something that is an "Open Item" and write a new price on there. Do people actually think this shit works? Newsflash: It doesn't, and it really pisses workers off. Don't do this.
6B) Negotiating when it's futile
If you've worked retail, you know just how irritating it is to hear the phrase "Well what's MY price?" At that point, that worker has probably already pictured in his head what it would look like to be strangling you right there in the store. This one actually goes back to the very first one on the list. Haggling pisses people off and, generally, does not work unless you're dealing with a retarded used car salesman.
7. Thou shalt not threaten Retail Adultery in the service of violating the Sixth Commandment.
This might actually be the only one on the list I don't agree with, because it talks about price matching. It has become a pretty solid staple of the business world, so I'll add in the addendum: Don't try to price match on Black Friday. It is a ROYAL pain in the ass to try and do it on this day.
8. Thou shalt not Steal.
Remember how I mentioned that there are police at Black Friday sales? Common sense here.
9. Thou shalt not bear False Witness against thy Employee.
"Yeah, the manager here told me that I was getting a discount on top of the price that's already on sale."
Do you think that the people who sell you your items are retarded? Seriously. Do not try and lie your way to getting a better price or a feeble attempt to get free shit. It isn't going to work, and it seriously will cause problems.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy Employee's Free Time, nor his/her Discount, nor his/her Secondary Sexual Characteristics, nor anything else that belongs to thy Employee.
This is the one that needs to be hammered home. When you go to a retailer, you generally have a good idea of who is working and who isn't working. The ones that are working are in uniform and probably helping customers. The ones that you see that are either in a coat, outside smoking a cigarette, or maybe just getting some air, are trying to clear their god damned heads for a few minutes or, even better for them, are on their way out of the store after their shift or, hell, maybe even looking at doing a little shopping themselves. If you see one in a coat, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER THEM!
I cannot take full credit for this because all of the actual "commandments" are taken from a post from Craigslist. But, you get the idea. This is the week that everyone will try and knock out their shopping while retailers attempt to catch up on revenue shortcomings for the year. Understand your role, protect yourself, and don't cause problems at a store. Everyone will get along a lot better and, in the long run, you will be a better person because of it.
This has been your rant of the night.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Why the internet turns us into assholes
The internet is quite possibly the greatest achievement that mankind has ever accomplished. There are plenty of things that can go at the top of the list, such as flying, landing on the moon, creating motor vehicles, etc. When you look at our everyday lives, the internet is practically at the center of it now. Think about it: even as little as fifteen years ago, if we wanted various things, we had to get them from separate sources. Needed information about the news going on in the world? You had to wait for the news to come onto the television or go to a newspaper. Curious about who was playing games that night in professional sports? ESPN would have you covered, but you might be waiting a while to see it on television. Weather report for the week? Weather channel or the local news were your best options.
Now? All of the above are handled with the internet. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I watched the local news on television.
The internet has connected many of us, and will continue to stretch further until it is possible for everyone in the modern, civilized world, to be able to chat with anyone else whenever they feel like it. Of course, there are certain things I could do without, such as the assholes.
Along with the advent of the internet came message boards. Plain and simple, message boards are basically the toxic waste dumps of the internet. Tragically enough, I frequent one of these only because I feel it's less stupid than other websites and I need somewhere to bitch about sports other than with my friends. Now, when you browse through the vast number of message boards that the internet has to offer, you will run into some that are more tame than others, while some of them would probably make a sailor not only blush, but vomit and eventually asphyxiate themselves in order to never see it again. Most people know which boards I'm referring to, but I won't bother naming them to save some of you your sanity.
Which brings me to the point of this evening's blog post: Why exactly does the internet turn normal people into raging assholes?
The fact of the matter is this: On the internet, you have some security by way of anonymity. Sure, if you do something that is incredibly terrible (Tell someone to kill themselves), illegal (Solicit yourself to underage people on a messenger), or retarded (visit any porn site that involves something other than humans), you have the chance to get a visit from some men in black suits that will take you away for some "questioning" but, rarely, does being an asshole warrant a visit like this. This is exactly why people do it.
You're probably closer to someone that does this than you think. Truth be told, in my younger years (which weren't that long ago) I was one of these people. I enjoyed having that simplicity of telling someone to go make a cocktail out of the various cleaners underneath a kitchen sink and chase it with a side of rubbing alcohol and having little to no repercussions to deal with. Since then, I have curbed this attitude because, simply put, there was little point to it.
However, many people not only do it, but they enjoy it. In fact, they get off on it. These people are called "trolls" on message boards. No matter what you say, what the topic is, or how you respond, this person is going to be the total opposite of you and instigate an argument because, no matter if they win or lose, that's exactly what they want. They want to ruin your day.
In the last few years, these type of people have been given better weapons to pull their moronic ways, such as through Skype, Ventrilo, and the worst one of them all....Xbox Live. Yes, XBL is probably the biggest toxic waste dump of them all, and unfortunately, I put up with it in order to enjoy playing my games online. The biggest offenders in this group, as a stab in the dark, are males in the age bracket of roughly 13-89....alright, so that isn't fair. I would say 13-24 is about the proper distance, while people above 24 have their moments if someone really pisses them off.
The games I play online consist currently of just a few titles: Halo: Reach, Tiger Woods 11, and NCAA Football 11. Of these three, I get the biggest sample size (and biggest assholes) out of Halo. When it comes down to it, Halo is just full of paper-hanging hun cocksuckers. (I'll be honest, I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean, but it comes from a hilarious animated GIF that is WWII in Counterstrike form, and Patton says that to Hitler. It's funny.) At any point in time while playing Halo, you are subjected to up to 15 other people that are, potentially, assholes. Sure, they may not be assholes in real life and, chances are high that they aren't, but that's beside the point. What happens when you get all of these people into one room together? It sounds something like this:
"Herp derp you fucking moron!"
"You noob! You killed yourself!"
"Your mom's a noob!"
"I rode your mom last night!"
"Your sister sucks a fatty!"
"Yeah well my sister took a dump on your sister's chest!"
I'm not just randomly coming up with quotes there. That line of conversation actually happened, and it happened involving people on the same fucking team. Need any further proof that people just enjoy being assholes?
The other two games, Tiger Woods and NCAA Football, have their own special kind of asshole. Basically, they have the asshole that will do anything to screw you up. While playing NCAA, I have had children screaming in my ear literally the entire game or until they quit, call me a faggot and other wonderful slurs, and generally just act like they get their entire English language knowledge from watching Jackass.
So, as you can see and, honestly, most of you have probably already dealt with, the anonymity that the internet provides allows people to be an asshole without having to do it in their daily lives in front of friends and family. Maybe it's their way of venting. Perhaps they just love pissing people off. In the end, though, none of these people would ever act this way in their daily lives. If they do, I'm sure they'll end up in their local gray bar motel in the not too distant future.
This has been your rant of the day.
Now? All of the above are handled with the internet. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I watched the local news on television.
The internet has connected many of us, and will continue to stretch further until it is possible for everyone in the modern, civilized world, to be able to chat with anyone else whenever they feel like it. Of course, there are certain things I could do without, such as the assholes.
Along with the advent of the internet came message boards. Plain and simple, message boards are basically the toxic waste dumps of the internet. Tragically enough, I frequent one of these only because I feel it's less stupid than other websites and I need somewhere to bitch about sports other than with my friends. Now, when you browse through the vast number of message boards that the internet has to offer, you will run into some that are more tame than others, while some of them would probably make a sailor not only blush, but vomit and eventually asphyxiate themselves in order to never see it again. Most people know which boards I'm referring to, but I won't bother naming them to save some of you your sanity.
Which brings me to the point of this evening's blog post: Why exactly does the internet turn normal people into raging assholes?
The fact of the matter is this: On the internet, you have some security by way of anonymity. Sure, if you do something that is incredibly terrible (Tell someone to kill themselves), illegal (Solicit yourself to underage people on a messenger), or retarded (visit any porn site that involves something other than humans), you have the chance to get a visit from some men in black suits that will take you away for some "questioning" but, rarely, does being an asshole warrant a visit like this. This is exactly why people do it.
You're probably closer to someone that does this than you think. Truth be told, in my younger years (which weren't that long ago) I was one of these people. I enjoyed having that simplicity of telling someone to go make a cocktail out of the various cleaners underneath a kitchen sink and chase it with a side of rubbing alcohol and having little to no repercussions to deal with. Since then, I have curbed this attitude because, simply put, there was little point to it.
However, many people not only do it, but they enjoy it. In fact, they get off on it. These people are called "trolls" on message boards. No matter what you say, what the topic is, or how you respond, this person is going to be the total opposite of you and instigate an argument because, no matter if they win or lose, that's exactly what they want. They want to ruin your day.
In the last few years, these type of people have been given better weapons to pull their moronic ways, such as through Skype, Ventrilo, and the worst one of them all....Xbox Live. Yes, XBL is probably the biggest toxic waste dump of them all, and unfortunately, I put up with it in order to enjoy playing my games online. The biggest offenders in this group, as a stab in the dark, are males in the age bracket of roughly 13-89....alright, so that isn't fair. I would say 13-24 is about the proper distance, while people above 24 have their moments if someone really pisses them off.
The games I play online consist currently of just a few titles: Halo: Reach, Tiger Woods 11, and NCAA Football 11. Of these three, I get the biggest sample size (and biggest assholes) out of Halo. When it comes down to it, Halo is just full of paper-hanging hun cocksuckers. (I'll be honest, I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean, but it comes from a hilarious animated GIF that is WWII in Counterstrike form, and Patton says that to Hitler. It's funny.) At any point in time while playing Halo, you are subjected to up to 15 other people that are, potentially, assholes. Sure, they may not be assholes in real life and, chances are high that they aren't, but that's beside the point. What happens when you get all of these people into one room together? It sounds something like this:
"Herp derp you fucking moron!"
"You noob! You killed yourself!"
"Your mom's a noob!"
"I rode your mom last night!"
"Your sister sucks a fatty!"
"Yeah well my sister took a dump on your sister's chest!"
I'm not just randomly coming up with quotes there. That line of conversation actually happened, and it happened involving people on the same fucking team. Need any further proof that people just enjoy being assholes?
The other two games, Tiger Woods and NCAA Football, have their own special kind of asshole. Basically, they have the asshole that will do anything to screw you up. While playing NCAA, I have had children screaming in my ear literally the entire game or until they quit, call me a faggot and other wonderful slurs, and generally just act like they get their entire English language knowledge from watching Jackass.
So, as you can see and, honestly, most of you have probably already dealt with, the anonymity that the internet provides allows people to be an asshole without having to do it in their daily lives in front of friends and family. Maybe it's their way of venting. Perhaps they just love pissing people off. In the end, though, none of these people would ever act this way in their daily lives. If they do, I'm sure they'll end up in their local gray bar motel in the not too distant future.
This has been your rant of the day.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Politicians, mudslinging, and why voting has become a chore.
The United States is currently 234 years old. Back in the days of the country's infancy, during a time when indoor plumbing didn't exist and the idea of a good time was running around in a field chasing each other with swords, I often wonder if the forefathers had any idea what this country was going to turn into when it came to politics. Gone are the days of Presidential candidates that actually have a name that means something or simply have a name that rolls off your tongue and just sounds like a president. Even worse, we have these things called mid-term elections, which is horrifying in the fact that it reminds of taking a midterm in college that I was never really prepared for.
So, on this crisp November afternoon, I have been awake for a whopping 90 minutes after doing an overnight at work and returning home at roughly 7:30 in the morning. I proceeded to sleep until four in the afternoon, giving my body hopefully sufficient time to stop hating me. When I woke up, I was instantly reminded that it was election day the moment I turned on the television thanks to every god damn channel ever invented on cable having a ticker saying "GO FUCKING VOTE ASSHOLE!"
Okay, so maybe it doesn't say that, but the message is clear: You need to go vote, no matter how much you hate the candidates or know full well that, no matter who is in office, they are going to be counted on for one thing: Fucking up more than the last guy in office.
Living in Ohio has been interesting when it comes to the voting process. I live in a state that is considered a "battleground" state when it comes to elections. The major cities all have a democratic lean, while all of the little towns sprinkled throughout the state are all republican lean. It creates for a wonderfully hostile time of year when we get within roughly six weeks of the election.
Truth be told, I don't give a flying fuck who our governor is. It's down to two morons: Ted Strickland, the Democratic Incumbent, who has shit the bed the last four years in this state....and John Kasich, the Republican challenger, a man who shit the bed on Wall Street.
Lewis Black had it right: In every voting booth, there should be a lever that has a sign above it that says "KILL ME NOW" just to end the pain of voting. At least have it be a trap door that, when you pull the lever, you slide somewhere a mile away and it lands you in a pool full of Reese's Pieces. Then I would be more excited to vote.
What's really funny about voting is that, after the major races, you get to the smaller things where people are running against nobody. Generally, these are judicial seats or small time seats where people are just getting their feet wet in politics. I make a point of it every election, when it comes to one of these, I click the "write-in" vote and vote for myself out of the hopes that no one even bothers to click this person's name and I get a phone call the next day saying "Sir...you won our seat as Associate Treasurer of Toilet Cleaning Supplies here in Dublin. You start in January."
Of course, my least favorite things about elections? Mudslinging and our country's lack of a sense of humor. The latter of these two don't really become apparent unless it's a Presidential election. Most people don't waste their really good hatred and arguments on midterm elections because it just isn't that important. Oh no, they save the really good shit for right before we choose the nation's next president. Friendships are truly tested in the months leading up to such an event if the two friends have differing beliefs when it comes to choosing their candidate. God help you if you talk about this shit in a bar.
But, far and away, my least favorite thing is mudslinging, as I said previously. This is where I think the forefathers roll over in their graves and throw up. It's really pathetic when it comes down to it. The ones that stick out are for the House and Senate seats that have been up for grabs in this election. One of them simply says "Block supports NAFTA!" and has a huge picture of Mexico up on it. Okay...so what is the point? Because, if someone were to explain to me the pros and cons of NAFTA, I could make up my mind if that's good or bad. Instead, what I see from this ad is "HOLY SHIT MEXICO IS BAD!!! FUCK MEXICANS!!!" because, hey, let's face it: People don't like that Hispanics take labor jobs for far less money. At least, again, that's the stereotype that this one is feeding off of.
But, far and away, the Governor mudslinging ads have been the worst. Literally, each candidate has half a dozen of these....and they all say the same god damned thing. Strickland's team attacks Kasich because he had some very shady deals on Wall Street and Kasich's team attacks Strickland because Ohio supposedly lost 400,000 jobs in the past four years. Of course, at the end of each mudslinging ad, there's nothing that is said by the candidate themselves saying "Well this is what I stand for instead of this asshole" in order to make it at least somewhat positive.
I turned on the news a few days ago and caught the very end of what looked to be a debate between a couple of jackasses on CNN regarding our state's race for Governor. Truth be told, I hate all of the news pundits: CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all of them can jump off a cliff and splatter their guts on the rocks below. The only news I watch? CNN International and the BBC. At least there I actually get to see NEWS. Anyways, I caught the end of this and it literally looked like a live-action (And I use that term loosely) mudslinging advertisement between these two guys. They are saying the exact same thing the ads are. It went something like this.
Liberal Douchebag: "John Kasich lost a shit-ton of money for people on Wall Street while profiting like mad!!!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland lost 400,000 jobs on his watch! Fuck Strickland!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich will lose twice that much and all of Ohio's money just like he did on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "At least someone will be making money while we lose more jobs!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich holds satanic rituals in his backyard in order to make more money on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland frequents strip clubs in order to 'create jobs' like handjobs and blowjobs!"
Alright, so maybe the end of it wasn't really what they said, but it may as well have been. The fact of the matter is this: Our political system sucks a fat one. Until it gets blown up, this is the bullshit that we, the plebeians who have to deal with this shit every two years, will only get driven further towards insanity with each passing election.
This has been your rant of the day.
So, on this crisp November afternoon, I have been awake for a whopping 90 minutes after doing an overnight at work and returning home at roughly 7:30 in the morning. I proceeded to sleep until four in the afternoon, giving my body hopefully sufficient time to stop hating me. When I woke up, I was instantly reminded that it was election day the moment I turned on the television thanks to every god damn channel ever invented on cable having a ticker saying "GO FUCKING VOTE ASSHOLE!"
Okay, so maybe it doesn't say that, but the message is clear: You need to go vote, no matter how much you hate the candidates or know full well that, no matter who is in office, they are going to be counted on for one thing: Fucking up more than the last guy in office.
Living in Ohio has been interesting when it comes to the voting process. I live in a state that is considered a "battleground" state when it comes to elections. The major cities all have a democratic lean, while all of the little towns sprinkled throughout the state are all republican lean. It creates for a wonderfully hostile time of year when we get within roughly six weeks of the election.
Truth be told, I don't give a flying fuck who our governor is. It's down to two morons: Ted Strickland, the Democratic Incumbent, who has shit the bed the last four years in this state....and John Kasich, the Republican challenger, a man who shit the bed on Wall Street.
Lewis Black had it right: In every voting booth, there should be a lever that has a sign above it that says "KILL ME NOW" just to end the pain of voting. At least have it be a trap door that, when you pull the lever, you slide somewhere a mile away and it lands you in a pool full of Reese's Pieces. Then I would be more excited to vote.
What's really funny about voting is that, after the major races, you get to the smaller things where people are running against nobody. Generally, these are judicial seats or small time seats where people are just getting their feet wet in politics. I make a point of it every election, when it comes to one of these, I click the "write-in" vote and vote for myself out of the hopes that no one even bothers to click this person's name and I get a phone call the next day saying "Sir...you won our seat as Associate Treasurer of Toilet Cleaning Supplies here in Dublin. You start in January."
Of course, my least favorite things about elections? Mudslinging and our country's lack of a sense of humor. The latter of these two don't really become apparent unless it's a Presidential election. Most people don't waste their really good hatred and arguments on midterm elections because it just isn't that important. Oh no, they save the really good shit for right before we choose the nation's next president. Friendships are truly tested in the months leading up to such an event if the two friends have differing beliefs when it comes to choosing their candidate. God help you if you talk about this shit in a bar.
But, far and away, my least favorite thing is mudslinging, as I said previously. This is where I think the forefathers roll over in their graves and throw up. It's really pathetic when it comes down to it. The ones that stick out are for the House and Senate seats that have been up for grabs in this election. One of them simply says "Block supports NAFTA!" and has a huge picture of Mexico up on it. Okay...so what is the point? Because, if someone were to explain to me the pros and cons of NAFTA, I could make up my mind if that's good or bad. Instead, what I see from this ad is "HOLY SHIT MEXICO IS BAD!!! FUCK MEXICANS!!!" because, hey, let's face it: People don't like that Hispanics take labor jobs for far less money. At least, again, that's the stereotype that this one is feeding off of.
But, far and away, the Governor mudslinging ads have been the worst. Literally, each candidate has half a dozen of these....and they all say the same god damned thing. Strickland's team attacks Kasich because he had some very shady deals on Wall Street and Kasich's team attacks Strickland because Ohio supposedly lost 400,000 jobs in the past four years. Of course, at the end of each mudslinging ad, there's nothing that is said by the candidate themselves saying "Well this is what I stand for instead of this asshole" in order to make it at least somewhat positive.
I turned on the news a few days ago and caught the very end of what looked to be a debate between a couple of jackasses on CNN regarding our state's race for Governor. Truth be told, I hate all of the news pundits: CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all of them can jump off a cliff and splatter their guts on the rocks below. The only news I watch? CNN International and the BBC. At least there I actually get to see NEWS. Anyways, I caught the end of this and it literally looked like a live-action (And I use that term loosely) mudslinging advertisement between these two guys. They are saying the exact same thing the ads are. It went something like this.
Liberal Douchebag: "John Kasich lost a shit-ton of money for people on Wall Street while profiting like mad!!!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland lost 400,000 jobs on his watch! Fuck Strickland!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich will lose twice that much and all of Ohio's money just like he did on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "At least someone will be making money while we lose more jobs!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich holds satanic rituals in his backyard in order to make more money on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland frequents strip clubs in order to 'create jobs' like handjobs and blowjobs!"
Alright, so maybe the end of it wasn't really what they said, but it may as well have been. The fact of the matter is this: Our political system sucks a fat one. Until it gets blown up, this is the bullshit that we, the plebeians who have to deal with this shit every two years, will only get driven further towards insanity with each passing election.
This has been your rant of the day.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Guilt trips and soliciation
Let's be honest: There are times that you absolutely curse yourself when you decide to take a trip to a store. Whether it be bad traffic, during a thunderstorm, etc....sometimes you just feel like someone is out to get you and make your life a living hell just by stepping out of your house. It comes in all different forms. However, there are certain ones I will not stand for.
The other day, Eric and I were doing a couple of errands. I needed to pick up my car as well as a few things from Old Navy while he wanted to swing by Lowe's to pick up something for his Halloween costume. Little did we know that it was going to result in being subjected to two forms of solicitation that pretty much made me go "What the hell?"
First off, we went to Lowe's. As we were walking up to the store, we noticed that near the exit was a man in a Boy Scouts of America uniform along with a very young child, probably no older than five or six. He was a Cub Scout, which I have no problem with. I did the Boy Scout thing for a little while during elementary school, but eventually it just wasn't for me. What I did have a problem with was how they had positioned themselves to make sure that it wasn't just seeing people walking in....they were going to have to see them walking out. Now, truth be told, I did not see what the reasoning was for them being there, but I did see a random table filled with various food items that made me remember a fundraiser that I did. A lot of it is stuff that you would find at Sam's Club: Giant boxes of cheese, meats, drinks, etc. Curiously, though, I wondered if they were violating a law with Lowe's having the gigantic "No Solicitation" sign on the entranceway. I'm going to guess that it means they couldn't say anything to Lowe's, but were allowed to be outside. This one was not the one that really got to me, though. Eric and I walked out, politely said "No thank you" before they could even get half a sentence out, and walked to the car. Generally, this is the best way to handle these situations.
At Old Navy, however....I was subjected to one that truly pissed me off.
Old Navy is a pretty solid clothing store. Low prices, good clothes, and I have never had an issue going in or out of there because no one ever thinks to set up a shop outside of there. People generally do it at grocery stores or department stores. While Old Navy technically can fall under that last category, I don't think I've ever seen an Old Navy at a mall. They are generally stand-alone shops. So, much to my dismay, the second instance happened almost immediately getting out of my car, which really caught me off guard because Eric managed to avoid this altogether.
Coming around the backside of the car, this woman who had just parked herself looks over at me and gives me the visual stop sign. You've seen this before: Arm straight out at you, fingers spread out, basically saying "Hold the fuck on!" Well, this woman did it to me...and I'm not a fan of someone who does that, especially a person that I don't know.
Within two seconds, I immediately learn that this woman is deaf. Alright, no big deal. I figured she was stopping me because she had maybe seen something wrong with the car and that was the urgency.
Nope.
Not even close.
She hands me a card. The title of this index card is "Did you know that November is Deaf Awareness Month?"
First off, it's not November. Second off, no I didn't, but it doesn't shock me. EVERYTHING has an "Awareness Month" or "Thinking of you day" or "Sorry I gave you Chlamydia day." So I quickly glance over the card, probably spending all of five seconds actually reading it, and at the bottom it says "Please spare five dollars for me."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look, I've donated money before for certain causes, but they are to non-profits that I actually believe in. Case in point: The V Foundation. I've donated to them a couple of times because it's a good cause and one that I think needs plenty of help with research. I've also donated change to the Salvation Army every Christmas to the guys ringing the bell. That is also a good cause.
This is not a good cause. Especially considering the fact that this person was just out and about, doing her thing, obviously not having a problem getting around. She wasn't homeless. She had just gotten out of a fairly new car, which wasn't anything special, but still, a pretty nice car, dressed fairly well.
So, apparently she feels the need to hand me this card just out and about, with no proof that she's doing it for a cause thanks to the shoddiness of the card that this information was printed on. And I'm supposed to give you five dollars?
There are many reasons I don't carry cash with me anymore. This is probably fairly low on the list, but it's on there.
Look, while I'm not insensitive to causes, a situation like that just screams "Scam" at me. Yes, this woman was definitely deaf, but how in the hell is she to expect someone to react positively when she comes at them like a bat out of hell, holding up her hand, and then handing them a card?
While the first situation was not really a guilt trip, this certainly was an attempt at such a thing, though she did a pretty piss poor job of it. We've all been "victims" of guilt trips, mainly by our parents when we were younger. Parents are absolute professionals at pulling it off, and when we all get older, we will be professionals at doing it ourselves. Why? Because children don't know what a guilt trip is and, thus, it works. Pulling it off on adults though?
I wish you luck, especially to the woman handing out these index cards.
The other day, Eric and I were doing a couple of errands. I needed to pick up my car as well as a few things from Old Navy while he wanted to swing by Lowe's to pick up something for his Halloween costume. Little did we know that it was going to result in being subjected to two forms of solicitation that pretty much made me go "What the hell?"
First off, we went to Lowe's. As we were walking up to the store, we noticed that near the exit was a man in a Boy Scouts of America uniform along with a very young child, probably no older than five or six. He was a Cub Scout, which I have no problem with. I did the Boy Scout thing for a little while during elementary school, but eventually it just wasn't for me. What I did have a problem with was how they had positioned themselves to make sure that it wasn't just seeing people walking in....they were going to have to see them walking out. Now, truth be told, I did not see what the reasoning was for them being there, but I did see a random table filled with various food items that made me remember a fundraiser that I did. A lot of it is stuff that you would find at Sam's Club: Giant boxes of cheese, meats, drinks, etc. Curiously, though, I wondered if they were violating a law with Lowe's having the gigantic "No Solicitation" sign on the entranceway. I'm going to guess that it means they couldn't say anything to Lowe's, but were allowed to be outside. This one was not the one that really got to me, though. Eric and I walked out, politely said "No thank you" before they could even get half a sentence out, and walked to the car. Generally, this is the best way to handle these situations.
At Old Navy, however....I was subjected to one that truly pissed me off.
Old Navy is a pretty solid clothing store. Low prices, good clothes, and I have never had an issue going in or out of there because no one ever thinks to set up a shop outside of there. People generally do it at grocery stores or department stores. While Old Navy technically can fall under that last category, I don't think I've ever seen an Old Navy at a mall. They are generally stand-alone shops. So, much to my dismay, the second instance happened almost immediately getting out of my car, which really caught me off guard because Eric managed to avoid this altogether.
Coming around the backside of the car, this woman who had just parked herself looks over at me and gives me the visual stop sign. You've seen this before: Arm straight out at you, fingers spread out, basically saying "Hold the fuck on!" Well, this woman did it to me...and I'm not a fan of someone who does that, especially a person that I don't know.
Within two seconds, I immediately learn that this woman is deaf. Alright, no big deal. I figured she was stopping me because she had maybe seen something wrong with the car and that was the urgency.
Nope.
Not even close.
She hands me a card. The title of this index card is "Did you know that November is Deaf Awareness Month?"
First off, it's not November. Second off, no I didn't, but it doesn't shock me. EVERYTHING has an "Awareness Month" or "Thinking of you day" or "Sorry I gave you Chlamydia day." So I quickly glance over the card, probably spending all of five seconds actually reading it, and at the bottom it says "Please spare five dollars for me."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look, I've donated money before for certain causes, but they are to non-profits that I actually believe in. Case in point: The V Foundation. I've donated to them a couple of times because it's a good cause and one that I think needs plenty of help with research. I've also donated change to the Salvation Army every Christmas to the guys ringing the bell. That is also a good cause.
This is not a good cause. Especially considering the fact that this person was just out and about, doing her thing, obviously not having a problem getting around. She wasn't homeless. She had just gotten out of a fairly new car, which wasn't anything special, but still, a pretty nice car, dressed fairly well.
So, apparently she feels the need to hand me this card just out and about, with no proof that she's doing it for a cause thanks to the shoddiness of the card that this information was printed on. And I'm supposed to give you five dollars?
There are many reasons I don't carry cash with me anymore. This is probably fairly low on the list, but it's on there.
Look, while I'm not insensitive to causes, a situation like that just screams "Scam" at me. Yes, this woman was definitely deaf, but how in the hell is she to expect someone to react positively when she comes at them like a bat out of hell, holding up her hand, and then handing them a card?
While the first situation was not really a guilt trip, this certainly was an attempt at such a thing, though she did a pretty piss poor job of it. We've all been "victims" of guilt trips, mainly by our parents when we were younger. Parents are absolute professionals at pulling it off, and when we all get older, we will be professionals at doing it ourselves. Why? Because children don't know what a guilt trip is and, thus, it works. Pulling it off on adults though?
I wish you luck, especially to the woman handing out these index cards.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The opening post: A lesson in dealing with ignorance.
Ah yes, the wonderful world of blogging. It's an art form that has been around since the internet became bigger than the news of O.J. Simpson running from the cops or the day that Crystal Pepsi was released. Regardless of the level of enthusiasm that one shows when it comes to writing about their personal feelings and thoughts on the internet to share with whoever the hell is bored enough to read through it, I'm going to write about random things through my daily experiences. I hope you get some form of entertainment out of them, at least. If anything, it gives me the chance to vent without actually opening my mouth at any point in this.
It's not a shocking piece of news that there are plenty of ignorant and generally stupid people out there in this world of ours. Sometimes, though, there are special moments in our daily lives that make us seriously want to document just how far someone jumped over the line and if anyone was injured in the process. I witnessed a one of these leaps and bounds today while out and about.
I've never been a big fan of people who seem to be lost when they are driving. Let's face it: About fifty percent of the population probably skated by on their driver's exam when they were sixteen while the instructor just simply hoped to survive the ordeal in one piece. I firmly believe in re-testing at certain ages, especially if you were one of those people who got a 76 on their exam when the passing score was a 75. These people scare me, and I swear that they are all over the Columbus area, especially on Sawmill. Now, back when I took my test in 1997, things were a little bit different. The internet was just beginning to show signs of booming, cell phones were getting smaller but were still out of the dot matrix format and bulky as hell while texting wasn't even a mere thought. Hell, Google wouldn't be founded for another year. So, when I took my test, things were pretty simple on the roads. I had a relatively easy time passing my test and, in the couple of years afterward, I found that most people in the town I went to high school in actually knew how to drive. Tourists, on the other hand, especially those from the city (I'm looking at you, Minneapolis), pretty much stuck their thumbs up their asses and attempted to drive in that position. This would be foreshadowing, although I wouldn't know it for some time.
For the past eleven years, I have lived in Columbus, whether it be on campus or in the suburban areas of the city. It wouldn't be until about 2005, the year that I really kicked into high gear with officiating and traveling to many high schools, that I realized the level of stupidity that people exerted while on the road. It's only gotten worse since then, with little to no sign of improvement.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone is a terrible driver. There are people out there who actually know how to operate a one ton vehicle doing 70 miles an hour without screwing it up. The problem with this, though, is that for every one person that knows how to drive, there are twenty others that don't. I don't think I'm in the wrong when I say that the operationally challenged far outweigh those who aren't.
So, today, I was doing some general errands. Hitting up the grocery store, getting a haircut, nothing out of the ordinary. During my roughly three hour trek, I would drive maybe twenty to thirty minutes of that time. Now, I live in Dublin just off of Sawmill. When I do my errands, it is a rarity for me to actually leave the Sawmill area because I have access to everything that I need off of that road. Of course, this is one of the busiest damn streets in the city, and it is chalk full of people who were probably dreaming of the hot chick in high school when it came time to learn about properly merging into traffic.
The first Darwin Nominee comes in the form of a woman driving a little red Alero. I'll let the sexists get their laughs in right now as they sit here and say "Hahahaha women can't drive!" before continuing. Honestly, I've found that the gender of a person is not what determines their stupidity behind the wheel of a car. In this case, though, this woman managed to block traffic in a very unique way: A failed tailgate attempt while turning.
For those who are not familiar with Columbus, let me tell you about this intersection I was at. About halfway up Sawmill, there is a Sam's Club and Home Depot. There is a road that splits Sawmill, creating an intersection that has a stop light. Nothing new to anyone who has driven a car. Now, we all know that tailgaters exist, and be damned if I don't hate every last one of them. These are the people who will ride your bumper if you are waiting to turn left at one of these intersections. It doesn't matter if you are just past your line, sitting in the intersection, or actually waiting behind the line: They are going to follow you no matter what. Extra forty-five seconds of waiting be damned: They have shit that needs to get done now!
This woman, however, managed to screw this up in a rather epic way. With the car in front of her pulled into the intersection, the light turns yellow. This car, having actually paid attention to the rules of driving, waited for oncoming traffic to stop, then completed her turn....leaving said tailgater behind her, a good third of the way out in the intersection. There was no way in hell she had any intention other than to follow the car in front of her, but low and behold, it seemed as if she had an important text message to answer! It was easy to tell, considering she had her head down and was obviously focused, but the real good part comes next. The people in the turn lanes have now begun to turn onto Sawmill while this woman answers her text message....then proceed to get put into a clusterfuck of epic proportions when the woman realizes she missed her opportunity to tailgate the person in front of her and decided to turn anyways, creating a near accident and definitely blocking traffic. This is what we call in the internet world an epic failure.
Instead of getting mad, I'm sitting a couple cars back of the line laughing hysterically. See, without there being an accident, things instantly become funny in a situation like this, especially when I'm in no rush to get anywhere and enjoy things like this. I get amusement out of the stupidity of others, especially in a case like this. It would take a good thirty seconds of horn blasting and random gestures, most of which were not better than R-Rated, before the jam was resolved and normal traffic resumed. The beauty of this, though, is that the woman in the Alero thought she had done nothing wrong and was flipping the double bird to the people she was blocking. All it takes it to point at the light, make her realize she was in the wrong, and watch as her face goes completely pale.
So, your lesson for the day: Ignorance comes in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and packages. Try to avoid them at all costs.
This is your rant of the day.
It's not a shocking piece of news that there are plenty of ignorant and generally stupid people out there in this world of ours. Sometimes, though, there are special moments in our daily lives that make us seriously want to document just how far someone jumped over the line and if anyone was injured in the process. I witnessed a one of these leaps and bounds today while out and about.
I've never been a big fan of people who seem to be lost when they are driving. Let's face it: About fifty percent of the population probably skated by on their driver's exam when they were sixteen while the instructor just simply hoped to survive the ordeal in one piece. I firmly believe in re-testing at certain ages, especially if you were one of those people who got a 76 on their exam when the passing score was a 75. These people scare me, and I swear that they are all over the Columbus area, especially on Sawmill. Now, back when I took my test in 1997, things were a little bit different. The internet was just beginning to show signs of booming, cell phones were getting smaller but were still out of the dot matrix format and bulky as hell while texting wasn't even a mere thought. Hell, Google wouldn't be founded for another year. So, when I took my test, things were pretty simple on the roads. I had a relatively easy time passing my test and, in the couple of years afterward, I found that most people in the town I went to high school in actually knew how to drive. Tourists, on the other hand, especially those from the city (I'm looking at you, Minneapolis), pretty much stuck their thumbs up their asses and attempted to drive in that position. This would be foreshadowing, although I wouldn't know it for some time.
For the past eleven years, I have lived in Columbus, whether it be on campus or in the suburban areas of the city. It wouldn't be until about 2005, the year that I really kicked into high gear with officiating and traveling to many high schools, that I realized the level of stupidity that people exerted while on the road. It's only gotten worse since then, with little to no sign of improvement.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone is a terrible driver. There are people out there who actually know how to operate a one ton vehicle doing 70 miles an hour without screwing it up. The problem with this, though, is that for every one person that knows how to drive, there are twenty others that don't. I don't think I'm in the wrong when I say that the operationally challenged far outweigh those who aren't.
So, today, I was doing some general errands. Hitting up the grocery store, getting a haircut, nothing out of the ordinary. During my roughly three hour trek, I would drive maybe twenty to thirty minutes of that time. Now, I live in Dublin just off of Sawmill. When I do my errands, it is a rarity for me to actually leave the Sawmill area because I have access to everything that I need off of that road. Of course, this is one of the busiest damn streets in the city, and it is chalk full of people who were probably dreaming of the hot chick in high school when it came time to learn about properly merging into traffic.
The first Darwin Nominee comes in the form of a woman driving a little red Alero. I'll let the sexists get their laughs in right now as they sit here and say "Hahahaha women can't drive!" before continuing. Honestly, I've found that the gender of a person is not what determines their stupidity behind the wheel of a car. In this case, though, this woman managed to block traffic in a very unique way: A failed tailgate attempt while turning.
For those who are not familiar with Columbus, let me tell you about this intersection I was at. About halfway up Sawmill, there is a Sam's Club and Home Depot. There is a road that splits Sawmill, creating an intersection that has a stop light. Nothing new to anyone who has driven a car. Now, we all know that tailgaters exist, and be damned if I don't hate every last one of them. These are the people who will ride your bumper if you are waiting to turn left at one of these intersections. It doesn't matter if you are just past your line, sitting in the intersection, or actually waiting behind the line: They are going to follow you no matter what. Extra forty-five seconds of waiting be damned: They have shit that needs to get done now!
This woman, however, managed to screw this up in a rather epic way. With the car in front of her pulled into the intersection, the light turns yellow. This car, having actually paid attention to the rules of driving, waited for oncoming traffic to stop, then completed her turn....leaving said tailgater behind her, a good third of the way out in the intersection. There was no way in hell she had any intention other than to follow the car in front of her, but low and behold, it seemed as if she had an important text message to answer! It was easy to tell, considering she had her head down and was obviously focused, but the real good part comes next. The people in the turn lanes have now begun to turn onto Sawmill while this woman answers her text message....then proceed to get put into a clusterfuck of epic proportions when the woman realizes she missed her opportunity to tailgate the person in front of her and decided to turn anyways, creating a near accident and definitely blocking traffic. This is what we call in the internet world an epic failure.
Instead of getting mad, I'm sitting a couple cars back of the line laughing hysterically. See, without there being an accident, things instantly become funny in a situation like this, especially when I'm in no rush to get anywhere and enjoy things like this. I get amusement out of the stupidity of others, especially in a case like this. It would take a good thirty seconds of horn blasting and random gestures, most of which were not better than R-Rated, before the jam was resolved and normal traffic resumed. The beauty of this, though, is that the woman in the Alero thought she had done nothing wrong and was flipping the double bird to the people she was blocking. All it takes it to point at the light, make her realize she was in the wrong, and watch as her face goes completely pale.
So, your lesson for the day: Ignorance comes in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and packages. Try to avoid them at all costs.
This is your rant of the day.
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