The United States is currently 234 years old. Back in the days of the country's infancy, during a time when indoor plumbing didn't exist and the idea of a good time was running around in a field chasing each other with swords, I often wonder if the forefathers had any idea what this country was going to turn into when it came to politics. Gone are the days of Presidential candidates that actually have a name that means something or simply have a name that rolls off your tongue and just sounds like a president. Even worse, we have these things called mid-term elections, which is horrifying in the fact that it reminds of taking a midterm in college that I was never really prepared for.
So, on this crisp November afternoon, I have been awake for a whopping 90 minutes after doing an overnight at work and returning home at roughly 7:30 in the morning. I proceeded to sleep until four in the afternoon, giving my body hopefully sufficient time to stop hating me. When I woke up, I was instantly reminded that it was election day the moment I turned on the television thanks to every god damn channel ever invented on cable having a ticker saying "GO FUCKING VOTE ASSHOLE!"
Okay, so maybe it doesn't say that, but the message is clear: You need to go vote, no matter how much you hate the candidates or know full well that, no matter who is in office, they are going to be counted on for one thing: Fucking up more than the last guy in office.
Living in Ohio has been interesting when it comes to the voting process. I live in a state that is considered a "battleground" state when it comes to elections. The major cities all have a democratic lean, while all of the little towns sprinkled throughout the state are all republican lean. It creates for a wonderfully hostile time of year when we get within roughly six weeks of the election.
Truth be told, I don't give a flying fuck who our governor is. It's down to two morons: Ted Strickland, the Democratic Incumbent, who has shit the bed the last four years in this state....and John Kasich, the Republican challenger, a man who shit the bed on Wall Street.
Lewis Black had it right: In every voting booth, there should be a lever that has a sign above it that says "KILL ME NOW" just to end the pain of voting. At least have it be a trap door that, when you pull the lever, you slide somewhere a mile away and it lands you in a pool full of Reese's Pieces. Then I would be more excited to vote.
What's really funny about voting is that, after the major races, you get to the smaller things where people are running against nobody. Generally, these are judicial seats or small time seats where people are just getting their feet wet in politics. I make a point of it every election, when it comes to one of these, I click the "write-in" vote and vote for myself out of the hopes that no one even bothers to click this person's name and I get a phone call the next day saying "Sir...you won our seat as Associate Treasurer of Toilet Cleaning Supplies here in Dublin. You start in January."
Of course, my least favorite things about elections? Mudslinging and our country's lack of a sense of humor. The latter of these two don't really become apparent unless it's a Presidential election. Most people don't waste their really good hatred and arguments on midterm elections because it just isn't that important. Oh no, they save the really good shit for right before we choose the nation's next president. Friendships are truly tested in the months leading up to such an event if the two friends have differing beliefs when it comes to choosing their candidate. God help you if you talk about this shit in a bar.
But, far and away, my least favorite thing is mudslinging, as I said previously. This is where I think the forefathers roll over in their graves and throw up. It's really pathetic when it comes down to it. The ones that stick out are for the House and Senate seats that have been up for grabs in this election. One of them simply says "Block supports NAFTA!" and has a huge picture of Mexico up on it. Okay...so what is the point? Because, if someone were to explain to me the pros and cons of NAFTA, I could make up my mind if that's good or bad. Instead, what I see from this ad is "HOLY SHIT MEXICO IS BAD!!! FUCK MEXICANS!!!" because, hey, let's face it: People don't like that Hispanics take labor jobs for far less money. At least, again, that's the stereotype that this one is feeding off of.
But, far and away, the Governor mudslinging ads have been the worst. Literally, each candidate has half a dozen of these....and they all say the same god damned thing. Strickland's team attacks Kasich because he had some very shady deals on Wall Street and Kasich's team attacks Strickland because Ohio supposedly lost 400,000 jobs in the past four years. Of course, at the end of each mudslinging ad, there's nothing that is said by the candidate themselves saying "Well this is what I stand for instead of this asshole" in order to make it at least somewhat positive.
I turned on the news a few days ago and caught the very end of what looked to be a debate between a couple of jackasses on CNN regarding our state's race for Governor. Truth be told, I hate all of the news pundits: CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all of them can jump off a cliff and splatter their guts on the rocks below. The only news I watch? CNN International and the BBC. At least there I actually get to see NEWS. Anyways, I caught the end of this and it literally looked like a live-action (And I use that term loosely) mudslinging advertisement between these two guys. They are saying the exact same thing the ads are. It went something like this.
Liberal Douchebag: "John Kasich lost a shit-ton of money for people on Wall Street while profiting like mad!!!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland lost 400,000 jobs on his watch! Fuck Strickland!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich will lose twice that much and all of Ohio's money just like he did on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "At least someone will be making money while we lose more jobs!"
Liberal Douchebag: "Kasich holds satanic rituals in his backyard in order to make more money on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole: "Strickland frequents strip clubs in order to 'create jobs' like handjobs and blowjobs!"
Alright, so maybe the end of it wasn't really what they said, but it may as well have been. The fact of the matter is this: Our political system sucks a fat one. Until it gets blown up, this is the bullshit that we, the plebeians who have to deal with this shit every two years, will only get driven further towards insanity with each passing election.
This has been your rant of the day.
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