2010 is coming to a close, boys and girls. It seems like just yesterday I was enjoying the coming of Spring and watching the snow melt away, only to find that it's December again, and we're probably facing a brutal Winter here in Central Ohio....at least by Ohio standards. There have been many things that have happened here in 2010 that have made me sit up and either laugh or just scratch my head. Without actually trying to recall every little piece of information, this is my unofficial "Year in Review" to sum everything up.
- Tiger Woods loves sex....with anybody.
So, while this technically happened over the past several years, this was really a 2010 story. We've all heard about it by now: Tiger's wife came at him with a fucking nine iron and bashed out the backglass of his car. First off, if that headline didn't make you laugh, I'm not sure what would. I want you to picture this in your head: Elin Nordgren, a supermodel, who was married to Tiger God-Damned Woods, ran out of their ridiculous mansion in Windermere, Florida, and proceeded to beat the shit out of his car with a fucking golf club! There is no amount of money I wouldn't have given at that time (alright, maybe I'd cap it at twenty bucks) to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation in their house.
The real funny part, though, was the list of women that came out after the story broke. A couple of porn stars stepped forward and flashed some text messages, and while infidelity isn't exactly something that is positive in the sports world, I'm sure a few guys watching at home with no morals sat up and went "Niiiiiice."
Then it got weird. Random women were coming forward, most of which who weren't even close to being famous, saying that they enjoyed a fling or seven with the almighty one iron that Tiger sported in his trousers. The story officially hit "WTF" status when a waitress at Perkins came forward and said that they had sex in the parking lot of the restaurant she worked at.
A Perkins Waitress.
Think about that for a second...have you ever been to a Perkins? They smell like Polygrip and cat piss. Tiger just so happened to swing in for a dinner and some sex, though, deciding to take his waitress out back and give her a really good tip, and it wasn't about her pitching ability to the green, that's for sure.
Eventually, Elin wised up and took him to the cleaners to the tune of 815 million dollars. Tiger is trying to rebound, but has sucked out loud this year in tournaments, a year that he probably should have won more than one major to try and catch Jack.
- BP fucks up the Gulf of Mexico, hilarity ensues.
This was probably my favorite ongoing saga that really didn't have any major changes to the story outside of the first day. BP had this big ass rig in the Gulf called the Deepwater Horizon, which sounded like the title of a terrible B Movie on Netflix that you could watch, expecting some terrible horror scenes and scantily clad chicks who are just weeks away from breaking into porn. Anyways, this rig exploded, causing several employee deaths (which we honestly never fucking heard about because OMG THE WATER IS POLLUTED) and also causing the well that the rig was siphoning to break loose, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
BP's response to this was fucking hilarious, given the situation. It took a couple of days, but the CEO came out, who looked like a cross between Mr. Rogers and the sketched character from the cover of MAD Magazine, and basically said "We're sorry. We fucked up." and left it at that.
Most of the world went "Uhhhhh....that's it?" just like all of the media did. It was hilarious that the CEO of this company, who knew full well that they were causing major damage, basically just wrote an apology and hoped it would all go away.
After that, we started seeing the "BP Cares" commercials all over the place, involving some shitheads who got sucked into the terrible position of trying to clean this shit up from not just a political standpoint, but from a customer service standpoint.
The best part of this, though, was watching the videos of them basically trying to play a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole while trying to plug this fucker up. Believe me when I tell you that if you can't win any of those skill crane games at the arcade, then you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of plugging that fucking well up a mile deep in the water.
- World Cup 2010 South Africa introduces the world to the Vuvuzela
Okay, so the World Cup was actually pretty fucking sweet. We found out that the United States can stomach soccer/football for one month because of the "AMERICA!!! FUCK YEAH!!!" angle of the situation. Patriotism rules all, simply because we know full well that the rest of the world hates hearing that "U-S-A!" chant over and over again. In the end, the Americans lost because, well, soccer is a sport that we simply just aren't great at/don't really give a shit about, and the Spaniards ended up winning it all. Another tournament successful and FIFA made a ton of money off of thBZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Oh...yeah...those fucking vuvuzelas were out in full force, too.
South Africa apparently had this instrument called the Vuvuzela. No one really knew what the hell it was or what kind of a sound it played...until the opening game of the tournament came on and all you heard on the TV was "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" while watching the match.
Naturally, when the tournament was over, people had purchased these foot and a half long instruments of ultimate annoyance for their own personal reasons. The good thing, though, is that the fad wore off after a little time and mainly due to every single sports team in the country saying "Bring one of those, and you're never coming back inside."
In other news...
- FIFA loves money.
Russia and Qatar? Thanks for playing, FIFA. You've proven to us that you have completely lost your god damned minds.
And while we're on the subject of completely corrupt organizations...
- The NCAA is just making shit up as it goes along.
They aren't even trying to hide it anymore. The entire Cameron Newton story was one that didn't truly shock anyone, considering that we had seen this type of corruption in the past, but the way the NCAA handled it is laughable at best. Here they were, presented with yet another chance to show that "OMG WE'RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT ACADEMICS AND AMATEURISM!!!" and they pretty much pissed it away.
Now, granted, the investigation is supposedly continuing, considering that the FBI is now involved and talks of Auburn University even losing it's accreditation as a school of higher education have swirled, the goofy as hell NCAA is like the retarded stepchild that got left in charge of running the house. Basically, they didn't feel like taking Auburn's primary weapon away from them and, thus, damning them to a mid-tier bowl. In the process, if they had done that, we would be talking about Oregon vs. TCU for the Mythical National Championship instead of Oregon and Auburn.
Now, given that Ohio State has just gone through a hilariously awful scandal and A.J. Green was banhammered at the beginning of the year, I've used this phrase to sum it up:
Sell your jersey for money? Four game suspension. Trade items for tattoos? Five game suspension. Have your father pimp you out to schools for 200,000 dollars? Win a Heisman.
Basically, the NCAA is saying "If you cheat huge, we don't care. The remedial stuff? Fuck you."
- Jimmy Wales needs your money...seriously...he needs it...like NOW.
While we've all used Wikipedia for pretty much anything, we've all realized one thing: It's free to use. Jimmy Wales, the co-founder of the company, needs your money to apparently keep it alive. And he needs it fucking NOW.
Fifteen million dollars is all he's asking from the country/world/universe. Now, what's real interesting is the fact that he doesn't truly have to list the reasons why he needs this money. For all you know, he's using it to build another god damned mansion and it won't even go to the website.
Fuck him and fuck you if you donate. People change it without really needing to check their facts. If the website dies, you still have plenty of other places to look up your useless information from.
- Oh noes, Steve Jobs. You might actually have some competition!
I never get involved in the whole debate about who's phone/MP3 player/random device is better, but for the longest time, we've heard/seen/been forced to watch that Apple's iPod/iPhone/iPad/iDouche is better than anything that has ever been released. Steve probably died a little inside when he found out that people have been actually buying more Android phones this year than iPhones, probably because of the fact that people finally realized that AT&T has shitty coverage outside of California. It'll come as no shock when Verizon announces in January that they'll start carrying iPhones.
- Justin Bieber was almost sent to North Korea.
I refuse to talk about this wretched little shit other than the fact that he posted up a poll as to what country he needs to visit next and the overwhelming prank was played that said he should have his ass shipped to North Korea.
- The Kardashians are whores
That's it. Seriously. Moving along...
- Recession, recession, recession
Still think we're out of the recession? I have some water here that can cure cancer, too. On top of that, I could probably change Coke into Pepsi if I just took a piss in a bottle of it.
The holidays showed us that people are still penny-pinching, although smaller shops have apparently been thriving. On top of that, people love to point fingers at the causes of this, but never step up to the plate with solutions, as shown by the recent elections. Every single campaign this year, no matter what state you were in, basically went like this: "See this shit that we're up to our neck in!?! It was all that guy's fault!!!"
I really, really, really hate politics.
That about sums up 2010, if you ask me. Sure there were other things that went on, but this was the list that stuck out to me.
This has been your rant of the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment