Monday, November 22, 2010

Michigan Sucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the greatest week of the year when it comes to being a Buckeye.  It's that time of the year where jokes about cheerleaders grazing on grass, students changing lightbulbs, and just general hatred flows like water out of a faucet.

That's right, it's Michigan week.


I thought about going over all of the reasons why we're going to win the game this Saturday at Ohio Stadium, but honestly, I think most everyone has their own lists and reasons and, with that being said, I'm going to break away from that and simply write about anything that comes to mind regarding this.

My first true taste of Ohio State-Michigan came in the form of making the trip to Ann Arbor in 1999.  The Buckeyes were 6-5 and needed a win to get into bowl contention.  Somewhere over the course of this season, I discovered that I had a tremendous hatred for Steve Bellisari, the quarterback of the Buckeyes who should have been playing something like Safety or Tight End.  The season started out alright enough, but started a downward swing when people began to realize that Bellisari, or "Jackass" as I have referred to him ever since this game, did in fact suck a massive amount of shit.

First off, Ann Arbor is a shitty town.  I refuse to call it a city, because it isn't.  It's a piece of shit town in the middle of fucking nowhere Michigan.  If you want to see it, just look it up.  It isn't worth driving the three to four hours just to see it.  I don't care if I even had tickets to the game.  I went once, and it was one of the worst times ever.  You end up having to park on the golf course that's across from the stadium and, if you get there closer to game time, you have to walk a lot farther than you should.  Also, the students there seem to have this penchant for throwing batteries at you.  I was pegged a couple of times with AA batteries (Insert Appy State joke here) while my friends and I attempted to get to the stadium.

The stadium itself is a shithole in itself, even if these renovations changed it.  It's not as loud as people make it out to be and extremely terrible when it comes to the layout.  If your seat is down at the field level, you've got yourself a long walk....and a long climb back up due to the fact it's built into the ground.

Anyways, the game itself in 1999 was pretty much what I expected:  Come out with our hair on fire, actually be competitive, and then promptly shit the bed at the end of the game.  It was painful to watch, but at that point, I was hooked on the tradition itself.

The next year was terrible, but led to the hiring of Jim Tressel, who has absolutely owned Michigan since stepping on campus in 2001.  Going up to Ann Arbor in 2001 with Jonathan Wells and a bag of potato chips surprised everyone when the Buckeyes pulled a 26-21 upset, leading the way for cautious optimism into the 2002 campaign....which we all know ended with a National Championship.  Heart attack after heart attack took several years off of my life, but I'll never forget my reaction when Will Allen picked off John Navarre to send the Buckeyes to the championship.  Standing there with Rick and Luke, exploding in joy and rushing the field....seriously one of the greatest moments in sports for me.

It would be trumped against Miami in January.

Watching Dorsey drop back and get chased by Cie Grant, a desperation pass was flung and knocked down by Donnie Nickey and Matt Wilhelm.  With many people crammed into my basement apartment, we exploded once again and ran out of the apartment, temperatures roughly at 20 degrees, and simply finding the first person we could and hugging them.  It didn't matter if we knew each other or not.  At that moment, we all had one thing in common:  We were all Buckeyes.

It has officially been 2,662 days since Michigan last beat Ohio State.  Yes, we keep track of this.  JT has owned the decade when it comes to this game, and we all hope the same thing continues for the next decade.  While Michigan has a weapon on offense that only a couple of teams have managed to slow down this year, their defense is flat out awful.  They are arguably the worst unit in the country.  With an offense that can easily bowl over them, I would expect a high amount of rushing yards and at least a two touchdown victory.

Honestly, I could write about this all night.  The fact of the matter is, though, is that I want to save some more of this for later in the week as The Game draws closer.

Here's to Ohio State whipping Michigan's ass once again.

Here's to Jim Tressel owning Dick Rod.

Here's to hoping that Michigan is annexed to Canada.

And here's to being a Buckeye.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Black Friday: How to deal with it without getting killed.

Several years ago, I decided to check out what the real pain in the ass was about Black Friday.  My family had explained it to me when I was still in high school and, considering that I lived in a town of 3,000 people, I never experienced it first hand until I got to college.  Even then, I wouldn't actually experience it until I was about 22 years old, seeing as how Black Friday was nothing more than a day off since it was Thanksgiving Weekend and classes were canceled.

Having read about the craziness surrounding the holiday, I figured it would be best to check it out at a mall.  Not even considering what time some of these crazy god damned people get up to start this shit, I headed out with a friend who needed to do some shopping at about nine in the morning.  At the time, she had said that "Most of the chaos was probably gone" and that we would be alright.

Yeah, her idea of "chaos" and my idea of "chaos" must have been in different languages, let alone definitions.

Our first stop was at the Tuttle Crossing Mall, where I proceeded to spend a good thirty minutes just circling to find us a parking spot.  To my surprise, she told me that it was normal for this and that "it was nothing" compared to what five in the morning looked like.

Well now...why did I volunteer for this?  Oh...right...hot friend who needed help.  No-brainer.

Walking through the mall is like being taught self-defense by a drunken man holding a six foot long staff while you're blindfolded.  Simply put, you have to be on your toes, or else you are going to get run over.  It blew me away at just how crazy the place was.  Normal, everyday people, turned into mindless zombies who will let nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, get in their way of buying that extra-special-gift for just a little bit less.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more insane than watching a woman in her sixties practically run over children while heading for a big sign that says "BLACK FRIDAY SALE!"

The day progressed a little better as we ended up hitting some places on her list that were less traveled by the normal Black Friday shopper and, eventually, we were finished.  At that point, just for shits and giggles, we were right by the old Circuit City over on Sawmill.  We both decided to just jump in and check it out.

This would be one of the first times in my life where I would literally say, out loud, "Ho-ly shit."

It was insanity, and this was almost eight hours removed from the START of the day.  What the fuck was the craziness about?  It turned out that there was plenty going on.  We saw a straight-up fist fight start over fucking DISCMANS.  Yeah, you remember those.  Those were the things you had to have in order to play music before Steve fucking Jobs began his true world domination with iPods.  Sure, they had been out for a couple of years, but hadn't truly caught steam just yet.

On top of the fistfight, we watched people practically yelling at salespeople who were telling them that they were out of stock of a lot of items right as the store opened.  Taking a glance at an advertisement nearby, I read some things that I would certainly learn the meaning of later on.

"Limited quantities."  "No rainchecks."  "Doorbusters."

These are three terms that salespeople have to abide by when it comes to a day like Black Friday.  I have personally learned this as I prepare to work on my fifth Black Friday in the world of retail.  While I will not be up at the crack of dawn and have drawn the 12:30pm to Close shift, it will still be chaos.

Now, that being said, this is a friendly, but blunt, reminder on how to handle yourself during a Black Friday.

Rule #1:  Watch out for yourself and travel alone.

I cannot stress this enough.  If you want to truly get your shit done, you're doing it alone.  Bring a list, bring food, bring a drink, and leave anyone that you fucking care about at your house or someone else's house.  They are only going to get in your way, and you're going to have enough of a problem dealing with other people who are looking for the exact same thing you are.  Also, for the love of all that is holy, leave your god damned kids at home.  You are asking for a trip to the ER if you bring them, especially if they are young.

Rule #2:  Do not listen to anyone else, unless they are sales associates.

You ever notice how people like to tell you about "special" sales that go on before or after Black Friday?  Yeah, it's a fucking sham.  They are simply trying to deter you.  You are competition.  Don't listen to them, unless someone who works at your favorite retailer says otherwise.

Rule #3:  Don't argue with salespeople.

I'll actually make an entire list that is separate from this, but this needs to be brought up more than once.

Rule #4:  Gas your car up the day before.

If you're making multiple stops, take care of the necessities first.  Gas your car up on Wednesday.

Rule #5:  Camping out?  Dress warm.

Seriously, unless you live in a state that is warm year-round, prepare for the worst.  Ohio is slated to be blasted by a storm on Thursday and, possibly, Friday.  It will make things far worse for anyone who decides to camp out in front of a store.

Rule #6:  No violence.

You may feel like someone is being a dick, bitch, asshole, cunt, whatever derogatory word you can come up with, to you.  Don't get baited into a fight, even just an argument, with someone.  Chances are going to be very, very good that there will not only be managers out looking for just this type of behavior....but police as well.  Feel like having to call your significant other to bail you out of jail because you punched someone in the face for a laptop?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear that either.


Everything else is pretty much common sense.  Now, as for Rule #3, let me give you an outline on this one.  If you have ever read the famous CraigsList post about "The Ten Commandments of Retail", then you will understand what it is like, especially if you have ever worked in retail.  In no particular order, here is the list, along with my own little commentary.

1. Thou shalt not fancy thyself a God, to have no other Gods held above thee.

While retail salesmen have a job to do, let's make one thing clear:  Help everyone out by not putting yourself above everyone else.
 
2. Thou shalt not make Graven Images in an attempt to fake us out.

Ever try to fake a coupon or claim someone said something when they didn't?  Yeah, that shit doesn't fly during the quiet times of the year, let alone Black Friday.  Don't try it, and we won't have a problem.  By the way, when it comes to the coupons that are legit as well as advertisements and signs, please read them.  It saves everyone a great deal of trouble.

3. Thou shall not utter blasphemy in the presence of the Retail Gods, for this is naughty in Their sight.

Put it this way:  Dropping an F-Bomb at a retail salesperson is not only rude, but it's going to flat out piss them off.  While the job of a retailer is to make money, it is not their job to put up with your shit.  Also, that whole "Customer is always right" thing is a load of bullshit.  Remember Ben Affleck in Mallrats?  Yeah, he's probably closer to the truth, especially on Black Friday.

4. Remember thy Hours of Operation, and keep them holy.

Most retailers are open on this day from 5:00 AM until 10:00 PM.  If you are that asshole that decides to linger after closing time, the Retail Gods are going to smite your ass, hopefully with something that's going to linger on you, like Gonorrhea. 

5. Honor thy Return Policy, that its days may be long upon the earth, and that we don't get exasperated and take it away from you.

This one is simple.  If you aren't sure of the policy, fucking as someone.  Don't come back four months from now and say that the person didn't want the gift.  It isn't going to work, we're going to tell you no, you're going to act like an asshole, and everyone has to deal with your shit.

6. Thou shalt not Kill thy Retail Establishment's Profit Margin by attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled.

This is one of my favorite ones of the original poster's rant, because if you have ever worked in a retailer, this comes up ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME.  Let's actually break this down by possible scenarios.

6A)  The old "switcheroo"

This one always makes me laugh.  People will find a price tag and attempt to slap it on an item.  Either that, or they will find something that is an "Open Item" and write a new price on there.  Do people actually think this shit works?  Newsflash:  It doesn't, and it really pisses workers off.  Don't do this.


6B)  Negotiating when it's futile

If you've worked retail, you know just how irritating it is to hear the phrase "Well what's MY price?"  At that point, that worker has probably already pictured in his head what it would look like to be strangling you right there in the store.  This one actually goes back to the very first one on the list.  Haggling pisses people off and, generally, does not work unless you're dealing with a retarded used car salesman.

7. Thou shalt not threaten Retail Adultery in the service of violating the Sixth Commandment.

This might actually be the only one on the list I don't agree with, because it talks about price matching.  It has become a pretty solid staple of the business world, so I'll add in the addendum:  Don't try to price match on Black Friday.  It is a ROYAL pain in the ass to try and do it on this day.

8.  Thou shalt not Steal.

Remember how I mentioned that there are police at Black Friday sales?  Common sense here.

9. Thou shalt not bear False Witness against thy Employee.

"Yeah, the manager here told me that I was getting a discount on top of the price that's already on sale."


Do you think that the people who sell you your items are retarded?  Seriously.  Do not try and lie your way to getting a better price or a feeble attempt to get free shit.  It isn't going to work, and it seriously will cause problems.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy Employee's Free Time, nor his/her Discount, nor his/her Secondary Sexual Characteristics, nor anything else that belongs to thy Employee.

This is the one that needs to be hammered home.  When you go to a retailer, you generally have a good idea of who is working and who isn't working.  The ones that are working are in uniform and probably helping customers.  The ones that you see that are either in a coat, outside smoking a cigarette, or maybe just getting some air, are trying to clear their god damned heads for a few minutes or, even better for them, are on their way out of the store after their shift or, hell, maybe even looking at doing a little shopping themselves.  If you see one in a coat, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER THEM!



I cannot take full credit for this because all of the actual "commandments" are taken from a post from Craigslist.  But, you get the idea.  This is the week that everyone will try and knock out their shopping while retailers attempt to catch up on revenue shortcomings for the year.  Understand your role, protect yourself, and don't cause problems at a store.  Everyone will get along a lot better and, in the long run, you will be a better person because of it.


This has been your rant of the night.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Why the internet turns us into assholes

The internet is quite possibly the greatest achievement that mankind has ever accomplished.  There are plenty of things that can go at the top of the list, such as flying, landing on the moon, creating motor vehicles, etc.  When you look at our everyday lives, the internet is practically at the center of it now.  Think about it:  even as little as fifteen years ago, if we wanted various things, we had to get them from separate sources.  Needed information about the news going on in the world?  You had to wait for the news to come onto the television or go to a newspaper.  Curious about who was playing games that night in professional sports?  ESPN would have you covered, but you might be waiting a while to see it on television.  Weather report for the week?  Weather channel or the local news were your best options.

Now?  All of the above are handled with the internet.  I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I watched the local news on television.

The internet has connected many of us, and will continue to stretch further until it is possible for everyone in the modern, civilized world, to be able to chat with anyone else whenever they feel like it.  Of course, there are certain things I could do without, such as the assholes.

Along with the advent of the internet came message boards.  Plain and simple, message boards are basically the toxic waste dumps of the internet.  Tragically enough, I frequent one of these only because I feel it's less stupid than other websites and I need somewhere to bitch about sports other than with my friends.  Now, when you browse through the vast number of message boards that the internet has to offer, you will run into some that are more tame than others, while some of them would probably make a sailor not only blush, but vomit and eventually asphyxiate themselves in order to never see it again.  Most people know which boards I'm referring to, but I won't bother naming them to save some of you your sanity.

Which brings me to the point of this evening's blog post:  Why exactly does the internet turn normal people into raging assholes?

The fact of the matter is this:  On the internet, you have some security by way of anonymity.  Sure, if you do something that is incredibly terrible (Tell someone to kill themselves), illegal (Solicit yourself to underage people on a messenger), or retarded (visit any porn site that involves something other than humans), you have the chance to get a visit from some men in black suits that will take you away for some "questioning" but, rarely, does being an asshole warrant a visit like this.  This is exactly why people do it.

You're probably closer to someone that does this than you think.  Truth be told, in my younger years (which weren't that long ago) I was one of these people.  I enjoyed having that simplicity of telling someone to go make a cocktail out of the various cleaners underneath a kitchen sink and chase it with a side of rubbing alcohol and having little to no repercussions to deal with.  Since then, I have curbed this attitude because, simply put, there was little point to it.

However, many people not only do it, but they enjoy it.  In fact, they get off on it.  These people are called "trolls" on message boards.  No matter what you say, what the topic is, or how you respond, this person is going to be the total opposite of you and instigate an argument because, no matter if they win or lose, that's exactly what they want.  They want to ruin your day.

In the last few years, these type of people have been given better weapons to pull their moronic ways, such as through Skype, Ventrilo, and the worst one of them all....Xbox Live.  Yes, XBL is probably the biggest toxic waste dump of them all, and unfortunately, I put up with it in order to enjoy playing my games online.  The biggest offenders in this group, as a stab in the dark, are males in the age bracket of roughly 13-89....alright, so that isn't fair.  I would say 13-24 is about the proper distance, while people above 24 have their moments if someone really pisses them off.

The games I play online consist currently of just a few titles:  Halo: Reach, Tiger Woods 11, and NCAA Football 11.  Of these three, I get the biggest sample size (and biggest assholes) out of Halo.  When it comes down to it, Halo is just full of paper-hanging hun cocksuckers.  (I'll be honest, I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean, but it comes from a hilarious animated GIF that is WWII in Counterstrike form, and Patton says that to Hitler.  It's funny.)  At any point in time while playing Halo, you are subjected to up to 15 other people that are, potentially, assholes.  Sure, they may not be assholes in real life and, chances are high that they aren't, but that's beside the point.  What happens when you get all of these people into one room together?  It sounds something like this:

"Herp derp you fucking moron!"
"You noob!  You killed yourself!"
"Your mom's a noob!"
"I rode your mom last night!"
"Your sister sucks a fatty!"
"Yeah well my sister took a dump on your sister's chest!"

I'm not just randomly coming up with quotes there.  That line of conversation actually happened, and it happened involving people on the same fucking team.  Need any further proof that people just enjoy being assholes?

The other two games, Tiger Woods and NCAA Football, have their own special kind of asshole.  Basically, they have the asshole that will do anything to screw you up.  While playing NCAA, I have had children screaming in my ear literally the entire game or until they quit, call me a faggot and other wonderful slurs, and generally just act like they get their entire English language knowledge from watching Jackass.

So, as you can see and, honestly, most of you have probably already dealt with, the anonymity that the internet provides allows people to be an asshole without having to do it in their daily lives in front of friends and family.  Maybe it's their way of venting.  Perhaps they just love pissing people off.  In the end, though, none of these people would ever act this way in their daily lives.  If they do, I'm sure they'll end up in their local gray bar motel in the not too distant future.

This has been your rant of the day.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Politicians, mudslinging, and why voting has become a chore.

The United States is currently 234 years old.  Back in the days of the country's infancy, during a time when indoor plumbing didn't exist and the idea of a good time was running around in a field chasing each other with swords, I often wonder if the forefathers had any idea what this country was going to turn into when it came to politics.  Gone are the days of Presidential candidates that actually have a name that means something or simply have a name that rolls off your tongue and just sounds like a president.  Even worse, we have these things called mid-term elections, which is horrifying in the fact that it reminds of taking a midterm in college that I was never really prepared for.

So, on this crisp November afternoon, I have been awake for a whopping 90 minutes after doing an overnight at work and returning home at roughly 7:30 in the morning.  I proceeded to sleep until four in the afternoon, giving my body hopefully sufficient time to stop hating me.  When I woke up, I was instantly reminded that it was election day the moment I turned on the television thanks to every god damn channel ever invented on cable having a ticker saying "GO FUCKING VOTE ASSHOLE!"

Okay, so maybe it doesn't say that, but the message is clear:  You need to go vote, no matter how much you hate the candidates or know full well that, no matter who is in office, they are going to be counted on for one thing:  Fucking up more than the last guy in office.

Living in Ohio has been interesting when it comes to the voting process.  I live in a state that is considered a "battleground" state when it comes to elections.  The major cities all have a democratic lean, while all of the little towns sprinkled throughout the state are all republican lean.  It creates for a wonderfully hostile time of year when we get within roughly six weeks of the election.

Truth be told, I don't give a flying fuck who our governor is.  It's down to two morons:  Ted Strickland, the Democratic Incumbent, who has shit the bed the last four years in this state....and John Kasich, the Republican challenger, a man who shit the bed on Wall Street.

Lewis Black had it right:  In every voting booth, there should be a lever that has a sign above it that says "KILL ME NOW" just to end the pain of voting.  At least have it be a trap door that, when you pull the lever, you slide somewhere a mile away and it lands you in a pool full of Reese's Pieces.  Then I would be more excited to vote.

What's really funny about voting is that, after the major races, you get to the smaller things where people are running against nobody.  Generally, these are judicial seats or small time seats where people are just getting their feet wet in politics.  I make a point of it every election, when it comes to one of these, I click the "write-in" vote and vote for myself out of the hopes that no one even bothers to click this person's name and I get a phone call the next day saying "Sir...you won our seat as Associate Treasurer of Toilet Cleaning Supplies here in Dublin.  You start in January."

Of course, my least favorite things about elections?  Mudslinging and our country's lack of a sense of humor.  The latter of these two don't really become apparent unless it's a Presidential election.  Most people don't waste their really good hatred and arguments on midterm elections because it just isn't that important.  Oh no, they save the really good shit for right before we choose the nation's next president.  Friendships are truly tested in the months leading up to such an event if the two friends have differing beliefs when it comes to choosing their candidate.  God help you if you talk about this shit in a bar.

But, far and away, my least favorite thing is mudslinging, as I said previously.  This is where I think the forefathers roll over in their graves and throw up.  It's really pathetic when it comes down to it.  The ones that stick out are for the House and Senate seats that have been up for grabs in this election.  One of them simply says "Block supports NAFTA!" and has a huge picture of Mexico up on it.  Okay...so what is the point?  Because, if someone were to explain to me the pros and cons of NAFTA, I could make up my mind if that's good or bad.  Instead, what I see from this ad is "HOLY SHIT MEXICO IS BAD!!! FUCK MEXICANS!!!" because, hey, let's face it:  People don't like that Hispanics take labor jobs for far less money.  At least, again, that's the stereotype that this one is feeding off of.

But, far and away, the Governor mudslinging ads have been the worst.  Literally, each candidate has half a dozen of these....and they all say the same god damned thing.  Strickland's team attacks Kasich because he had some very shady deals on Wall Street and Kasich's team attacks Strickland because Ohio supposedly lost 400,000 jobs in the past four years.  Of course, at the end of each mudslinging ad, there's nothing that is said by the candidate themselves saying "Well this is what I stand for instead of this asshole" in order to make it at least somewhat positive.

I turned on the news a few days ago and caught the very end of what looked to be a debate between a couple of jackasses on CNN regarding our state's race for Governor.  Truth be told, I hate all of the news pundits:  CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all of them can jump off a cliff and splatter their guts on the rocks below.  The only news I watch?  CNN International and the BBC.  At least there I actually get to see NEWS.  Anyways, I caught the end of this and it literally looked like a live-action (And I use that term loosely) mudslinging advertisement between these two guys.  They are saying the exact same thing the ads are.  It went something like this.

Liberal Douchebag:  "John Kasich lost a shit-ton of money for people on Wall Street while profiting like mad!!!"
Conservative Asshole:  "Strickland lost 400,000 jobs on his watch!  Fuck Strickland!"
Liberal Douchebag:  "Kasich will lose twice that much and all of Ohio's money just like he did on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole:  "At least someone will be making money while we lose more jobs!"
Liberal Douchebag:  "Kasich holds satanic rituals in his backyard in order to make more money on Wall Street!"
Conservative Asshole:  "Strickland frequents strip clubs in order to 'create jobs' like handjobs and blowjobs!"

Alright, so maybe the end of it wasn't really what they said, but it may as well have been.  The fact of the matter is this:  Our political system sucks a fat one.  Until it gets blown up, this is the bullshit that we, the plebeians who have to deal with this shit every two years, will only get driven further towards insanity with each passing election.

This has been your rant of the day.