Several years ago, I decided to check out what the real pain in the ass was about Black Friday. My family had explained it to me when I was still in high school and, considering that I lived in a town of 3,000 people, I never experienced it first hand until I got to college. Even then, I wouldn't actually experience it until I was about 22 years old, seeing as how Black Friday was nothing more than a day off since it was Thanksgiving Weekend and classes were canceled.
Having read about the craziness surrounding the holiday, I figured it would be best to check it out at a mall. Not even considering what time some of these crazy god damned people get up to start this shit, I headed out with a friend who needed to do some shopping at about nine in the morning. At the time, she had said that "Most of the chaos was probably gone" and that we would be alright.
Yeah, her idea of "chaos" and my idea of "chaos" must have been in different languages, let alone definitions.
Our first stop was at the Tuttle Crossing Mall, where I proceeded to spend a good thirty minutes just circling to find us a parking spot. To my surprise, she told me that it was normal for this and that "it was nothing" compared to what five in the morning looked like.
Well now...why did I volunteer for this? Oh...right...hot friend who needed help. No-brainer.
Walking through the mall is like being taught self-defense by a drunken man holding a six foot long staff while you're blindfolded. Simply put, you have to be on your toes, or else you are going to get run over. It blew me away at just how crazy the place was. Normal, everyday people, turned into mindless zombies who will let nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, get in their way of buying that extra-special-gift for just a little bit less. Let me tell you, there is nothing more insane than watching a woman in her sixties practically run over children while heading for a big sign that says "BLACK FRIDAY SALE!"
The day progressed a little better as we ended up hitting some places on her list that were less traveled by the normal Black Friday shopper and, eventually, we were finished. At that point, just for shits and giggles, we were right by the old Circuit City over on Sawmill. We both decided to just jump in and check it out.
This would be one of the first times in my life where I would literally say, out loud, "Ho-ly shit."
It was insanity, and this was almost eight hours removed from the START of the day. What the fuck was the craziness about? It turned out that there was plenty going on. We saw a straight-up fist fight start over fucking DISCMANS. Yeah, you remember those. Those were the things you had to have in order to play music before Steve fucking Jobs began his true world domination with iPods. Sure, they had been out for a couple of years, but hadn't truly caught steam just yet.
On top of the fistfight, we watched people practically yelling at salespeople who were telling them that they were out of stock of a lot of items right as the store opened. Taking a glance at an advertisement nearby, I read some things that I would certainly learn the meaning of later on.
"Limited quantities." "No rainchecks." "Doorbusters."
These are three terms that salespeople have to abide by when it comes to a day like Black Friday. I have personally learned this as I prepare to work on my fifth Black Friday in the world of retail. While I will not be up at the crack of dawn and have drawn the 12:30pm to Close shift, it will still be chaos.
Now, that being said, this is a friendly, but blunt, reminder on how to handle yourself during a Black Friday.
Rule #1: Watch out for yourself and travel alone.
I cannot stress this enough. If you want to truly get your shit done, you're doing it alone. Bring a list, bring food, bring a drink, and leave anyone that you fucking care about at your house or someone else's house. They are only going to get in your way, and you're going to have enough of a problem dealing with other people who are looking for the exact same thing you are. Also, for the love of all that is holy, leave your god damned kids at home. You are asking for a trip to the ER if you bring them, especially if they are young.
Rule #2: Do not listen to anyone else, unless they are sales associates.
You ever notice how people like to tell you about "special" sales that go on before or after Black Friday? Yeah, it's a fucking sham. They are simply trying to deter you. You are competition. Don't listen to them, unless someone who works at your favorite retailer says otherwise.
Rule #3: Don't argue with salespeople.
I'll actually make an entire list that is separate from this, but this needs to be brought up more than once.
Rule #4: Gas your car up the day before.
If you're making multiple stops, take care of the necessities first. Gas your car up on Wednesday.
Rule #5: Camping out? Dress warm.
Seriously, unless you live in a state that is warm year-round, prepare for the worst. Ohio is slated to be blasted by a storm on Thursday and, possibly, Friday. It will make things far worse for anyone who decides to camp out in front of a store.
Rule #6: No violence.
You may feel like someone is being a dick, bitch, asshole, cunt, whatever derogatory word you can come up with, to you. Don't get baited into a fight, even just an argument, with someone. Chances are going to be very, very good that there will not only be managers out looking for just this type of behavior....but police as well. Feel like having to call your significant other to bail you out of jail because you punched someone in the face for a laptop? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't want to hear that either.
Everything else is pretty much common sense. Now, as for Rule #3, let me give you an outline on this one. If you have ever read the famous CraigsList post about "The Ten Commandments of Retail", then you will understand what it is like, especially if you have ever worked in retail. In no particular order, here is the list, along with my own little commentary.
1. Thou shalt not fancy thyself a God, to have no other Gods held above thee.
While retail salesmen have a job to do, let's make one thing clear: Help everyone out by not putting yourself above everyone else.
2. Thou shalt not make Graven Images in an attempt to fake us out.
Ever try to fake a coupon or claim someone said something when they didn't? Yeah, that shit doesn't fly during the quiet times of the year, let alone Black Friday. Don't try it, and we won't have a problem. By the way, when it comes to the coupons that are legit as well as advertisements and signs, please read them. It saves everyone a great deal of trouble.
3. Thou shall not utter blasphemy in the presence of the Retail Gods, for this is naughty in Their sight.
Put it this way: Dropping an F-Bomb at a retail salesperson is not only rude, but it's going to flat out piss them off. While the job of a retailer is to make money, it is not their job to put up with your shit. Also, that whole "Customer is always right" thing is a load of bullshit. Remember Ben Affleck in Mallrats? Yeah, he's probably closer to the truth, especially on Black Friday.
4. Remember thy Hours of Operation, and keep them holy.
Most retailers are open on this day from 5:00 AM until 10:00 PM. If you are that asshole that decides to linger after closing time, the Retail Gods are going to smite your ass, hopefully with something that's going to linger on you, like Gonorrhea.
5. Honor thy Return Policy, that its days may be long upon the earth, and that we don't get exasperated and take it away from you.
This one is simple. If you aren't sure of the policy, fucking as someone. Don't come back four months from now and say that the person didn't want the gift. It isn't going to work, we're going to tell you no, you're going to act like an asshole, and everyone has to deal with your shit.
6. Thou shalt not Kill thy Retail Establishment's Profit Margin by attempting to finagle Free Shit to which you are not entitled.
This is one of my favorite ones of the original poster's rant, because if you have ever worked in a retailer, this comes up ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME. Let's actually break this down by possible scenarios.
6A) The old "switcheroo"
This one always makes me laugh. People will find a price tag and attempt to slap it on an item. Either that, or they will find something that is an "Open Item" and write a new price on there. Do people actually think this shit works? Newsflash: It doesn't, and it really pisses workers off. Don't do this.
6B) Negotiating when it's futile
If you've worked retail, you know just how irritating it is to hear the phrase "Well what's MY price?" At that point, that worker has probably already pictured in his head what it would look like to be strangling you right there in the store. This one actually goes back to the very first one on the list. Haggling pisses people off and, generally, does not work unless you're dealing with a retarded used car salesman.
7. Thou shalt not threaten Retail Adultery in the service of violating the Sixth Commandment.
This might actually be the only one on the list I don't agree with, because it talks about price matching. It has become a pretty solid staple of the business world, so I'll add in the addendum: Don't try to price match on Black Friday. It is a ROYAL pain in the ass to try and do it on this day.
8. Thou shalt not Steal.
Remember how I mentioned that there are police at Black Friday sales? Common sense here.
9. Thou shalt not bear False Witness against thy Employee.
"Yeah, the manager here told me that I was getting a discount on top of the price that's already on sale."
Do you think that the people who sell you your items are retarded? Seriously. Do not try and lie your way to getting a better price or a feeble attempt to get free shit. It isn't going to work, and it seriously will cause problems.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy Employee's Free Time, nor his/her Discount, nor his/her Secondary Sexual Characteristics, nor anything else that belongs to thy Employee.
This is the one that needs to be hammered home. When you go to a retailer, you generally have a good idea of who is working and who isn't working. The ones that are working are in uniform and probably helping customers. The ones that you see that are either in a coat, outside smoking a cigarette, or maybe just getting some air, are trying to clear their god damned heads for a few minutes or, even better for them, are on their way out of the store after their shift or, hell, maybe even looking at doing a little shopping themselves. If you see one in a coat, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER THEM!
I cannot take full credit for this because all of the actual "commandments" are taken from a post from Craigslist. But, you get the idea. This is the week that everyone will try and knock out their shopping while retailers attempt to catch up on revenue shortcomings for the year. Understand your role, protect yourself, and don't cause problems at a store. Everyone will get along a lot better and, in the long run, you will be a better person because of it.
This has been your rant of the night.
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